|
I've been posting under one of the other messages and the short story is my husband had an affair just before we were married which resulted in a child. He kept it a secret from me until recently (the child is nearly 2!) and we have a daughter who is a year and a half. (They will be the same grade in school unfortunately...). He is going through mediation with this woman to settle financial support and visitation. I haven't met the child yet but have talked to her a few times. She has no sense of me really but because she is so little I'm not comfortable with her using my first name and her mother would freak if we had her calling me 'mommy'. Plus, I don't want her to think of me the same way she thinks of her mother. Any suggestions for other names she could call me. Since she is so young this is probably what she'll call me from now on so I'm trying to find something I can live with forever! Please help! ↓
|
|
| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Nov 29th, 2006 3:06 AM |
| Hi stillinshock---I responded on your other post. If both the girls are the same age, you may find that the 2 year old may call you mommy too because your own daughter will call you that. Personally, having her call you by your first name might be alot easier for her. Unless, you have a nickname that you go by and she can call you that. However, she will learn to observe other friends call you by your original name and she may want to do that too. I'm sorry if I'm not much help. I hope you can find something you both are comfortable with. ↑ |
| Name: stillinshock | Date: Nov 29th, 2006 5:08 PM |
| Hi again Tweetybird4... thanks for the insight, I was talking with a couple of friends at dinner last night and then later my husband about it. I think we're going to either come up with some sort of nickname or use a familial term in another language (my family is italian so maybe zia which means aunt will work). If she happens to call me mom or mommy on her own that would be nice for me but I'm not going to put it in her head. I don't think she knows at this point anyway, she's only 22 months old so whatever we start calling me I think will stick. ↑ |
| Name: billy22 | Date: Nov 30th, 2006 5:19 AM |
| stillinshock~When my Dad remarried the first time, i called my step-mother Mama Lynne(lynne was her name) and my mother was mommy. So maybe she could do that....call you mama and your name. It didnt seem to hurt anyones feelings in my house. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Nov 30th, 2006 5:22 PM |
| I would just have her call you by your name only because she already has a mom and why confuse her? Especially if you are only having her every other week-end and a week here or there.Why would you be uncomfortable with her using your first name anyway? That's dumb! By the way,are you (soontobedivorced)? ↑ |
| Name: stillinshock | Date: Dec 1st, 2006 5:38 PM |
| Lizzi - You might think it's dumb that I'm not comfortable with a young child addressing me by my first name but my parents raised me to have respect for adults and we always used the terms Mr or Mrs or referred to grownups as aunts or uncles or some other term out of respect. I am well aware that she has another mother but when she is at our house I will be taking on the role of a mother and expect to be treated accordingly (I am also a mother to a one and a half year old who calls me mommy). We have decided to use a nickname that combines mama with my nickname that people close to me use (thanks billy22). And no, I'm hopefully not soontobedivorced (although there are no guarantees), I have a small daughter to think about and am not making any rash decisions based on my initial hurt and anger. ↑ |
| Name: billy22 | Date: Dec 1st, 2006 9:17 PM |
| stillinshock~ I think you'll find that to work well and it is very endearing:) They are so little that I think now is a good time to establish that difference. At their ages, they wuold be likely to call evry woman Mom if you let them, but you don't because there IS a difference:) I once babysat for a woman who was raising her grandson and he was barely 2. he called me mommy, he called his grandma mommy, he called the neighbor mommy, he even called the postlady mommy! It was so sad! He really thought that mommy was just a name for women and had never been shown the difference! Although we all thought it was so sweet at the time, it really was actually unfortunate for that little guy. Anyway, good luck....I REALLY hope this all works out for you. I can only feel your pain partly, my ex cheated on me w/ a younger girl but thankfully didn't have a baby with her. That just makes the situation so much more difficult:( I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts:) ↑ |
| Name: stillinshock | Date: Dec 8th, 2006 8:40 PM |
| Wish me luck! After mediation yesterday the visitation transition is moving along – my daughter and I are going to be spending the next visit with my husband and his other daughter. I am extremely nervous but hopefully with all of your advice this thing will go smoothly! We're getting together at a play place (the mom still has issues with us bringing her to our house but it looks like her therapist is helping her get past that...). I'm going to try out my new mama nickname handle and hope all goes well... still not sure if I'm ready to be a stepmom but here goes nothing! ↑ |
| Name: Lynne n | Date: Dec 8th, 2006 10:43 PM |
| Just wait and see what she calls you,after all she is still very young! ↑ |
| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Dec 10th, 2006 6:39 AM |
| To Stillinshock---I will wish you luck. It sounds like the other woman is realizing that she's not entitle to the things she thought she was entitled too. Hopefully, over time, she won't become a complete pain over all of this. I'll keep my figures crossed for you that she will learn to accept the situation and move on with her life but be very cooperative for her daughter's sake. I wish you all luck and hope things turn out for the best. ↑ |
| Name: stillinshock | Date: Dec 29th, 2006 8:47 PM |
| Hi Tweetybird4 – hope you're having a lovely holiday season! I thought I would post here how things have been going, and slowly but surely there is progress. I've now had 3 family visits with my husband's other child (small afternoon outings including my daughter, husband and his other daughter. Things are going well with the other child... she plays great with my daughter and held my hand right off the bat. We came up with a nickname for her to call me (although I caught her calling me 'mom' a couple of times at the last visit... it really threw me for a loop, I think she's just copying my daughter but I still wasn't sure how to handle it) and she'll be coming to our house for the first time on Saturday. We had her down at my in-law's a couple days before christmas and opened presents and had lunch (and don't think I didn't notice that her mom sent her with gifts for everyone in the family, grandparents included, but me! Not good use of my husband's money but oh well...). The first visit it was hard not to cry but by the third one I was getting better. It's sort of an emotional overload after each one so far and I've kind of been melting down! My husband is taking it in stride and trying to follow my direction for what I need for the visits. Unfortunately, I think the mother has been having her own meltdowns in front of the child (the mom was bawling when we picked her up for the first family visit) which I don't think is helping, but we'll have to address that at the next meeting. We're just waiting today for a schedule proposal from the mother that will have the child integrated into our home completely by the end of the month. And as soon as my husband's therapist gets back from holidays we're both going to see her together to make sure we're addressing what needs to be addressed for ourselves. It's true that time does lessen the blow... My new concern now is how to maintain our home and our routine and at the same time integrate the other little one. After a few visits I can tell that her mother and I have very different parenting styles... I think the child is what my dad refers to as a 'free range' child (doesn't really have any limits or a routine) while I've had to be very vigilant with my daughter because she was always difficult to get to sleep and needs the structure of a routine... she's quite feisty and little miss independent! Each visit that we've had has included a meal – none of which has my husband's daughter sat and eaten at. And for two out of the three visits she's been sent with no nap (she's not quite 2 and OBVIOUSLY still needs a nap!). Apparently this little one sleeps 'til 9:30 or 10am some days which is unheard of in my family/friend circles for a child that age. So I think this is going to be another big struggle for us (because of course when this one doesn't eat and runs around that's all that my daughter wants to do!). So if you or anyone else has advice in this department I would be happy to hear it! Hope all is going well with you and I'm looking forward to hearing from you (and of course anyone else with advice!). ↑ |
| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Dec 29th, 2006 10:54 PM |
Stillinshock----The holidays have been good. All is going well. The kids are at their dad's so I'm missing them terribly. Although, I do call them so that eases the absences.
Well, I'm glad to hear things are going well for you all. I can imagine the pains your feeling and the meltdowns of emotions flooding in. Yet, your still doing the right thing. You are willing to cooperate and accept things which is very, very commendable. As for the little girl not following a routine, the more she is in your home, she will learn. It's going to take some time and patience. My youngest son was only 4 during the beginning of my divorce. Granted, he did things differently at his dad's home opposed to mine. But, with repetition, explanations, understanding and lots of love, he learned the difference of the rules of my home and his dad's. An issue of routine for a 2 year might need to be suggested in your next mediator meeting. Perhaps you can make the suggestion to the mediator privately and have that person present it to the little girl's mother as a suggestion coming from the mediator. This way, the mom won't think it's coming from you and hubby as trying to tell her what to do. It is what's in the best interest of the child. Both you and hubby will have to stand as a united front when reprimanding the little girl to follow the rules you both provide. Explain to her that you both do things differently in your home and would greatly appreicated if she would listen and accept them. There's going to be a lot of give and take in the process. Perhaps you can reward her and your little girl when things are followed correctly. I'm sure it's difficult because you didn't have to do this with your little girl but to get the other little girl to see the rules for herself should help her to understand. This is where your hubby has to step in and help to enforce what you've already done with your little girl. Your right, it's going to take some time but she will learn. Especially, the more time she spends in your home. Keep in mind, the mother can't change they way you do things inside your home. The little girl will see it as she gets older. It's funny but children are always looking for discipline and guidance from us. She will love and respect you for the examples you are trying to teach her. Right now, she's young and very impressionable. My husband, the kid's step-father helps me to enforce some strick rules and guidelines and two out of the three children respect him for it. Yet, my oldest son is a completely different story. I don't think he'll ever see our efforts until he reaches his adult life. But for now, it's all we can do. Stand firm and stay strong, you won't go wrong. I don't know if this info has helped and perhaps you've already tried it but keep trying. I'm sure it gets nerve racking at times. So, you hang in there and keep me posted. I wish you all a Happy New Year with a wonderful year of exciting things to happen. ↑ |
| Name: Rhonda W | Date: Dec 30th, 2006 12:23 AM |
| What about mommy then followed by your first name? ↑ |
| Name: kitty gautheir | Date: Dec 30th, 2006 2:08 AM |
| my step kids call me Momma Cathy...of course his ex freaked but she got over it. ↑ |
| Name: stacylynn | Date: Jan 11th, 2007 8:26 PM |
| My step children call me Ms. Stacy and I hate it I have been with there dad since the youngest was 1. There mom has them call me that . But if I had anything to do with it I would have had them call me. meme or something cute like that. ↑ |
| Name: dragraught | Date: Feb 4th, 2007 12:52 AM |
| well dont get mad if she calls you mom. i would try to teach her to call you by ur name but it really doent matter if u dont care. ↑ |
|
|
