Tonight I have had a crying fit. I am so emotional and upset and ttc has consumed me, Coartney was right when she said before that I was obsessive over it, and I defensive against her comments because I didn't want it to be true, even though deep down I knew it was.
I am pinning my hopes on falling pregnant, and they aren't good odds, I know that, but I just want to believe that it is possible. I want to be one of those people who concieve in their first 6 mths. My husband understands it will probably take up to a year, but I dont want to accept that.
I feel like an utter failure and total arse of a human being and woman.
I sit here this month documenting on my computer all of the symptoms that I have exhibited, cramping, sore breasts etc and I still have negatives on the hpt, and now I am SUPER over the scale emotional and I can only assume this is due to good old af coming on Tuesday (it is now Sunday night).
I cant keep my emotions in check and I still have some hope that I may be pregnant. HOW STUPID AM I!
My husband has suggested that I see a psychologist to discuss how I am handling this, esp since we will obviously still want to ttc in the future. I think his idea is a good one, but at the moment I cant see and end to my cycle of compulsion over this.
I hate being aware of what is happening and how I am compulsive, I am educated and it shits me, I wish I was living in ignorant bliss about this.
Did any of you lose it this bad when ttc?
I know many of you will say "hey take a break for a month" and I appreciate your knowledge and help but for me in this current state I dont and cant see this as an option, and I am sure some of you may be able to relate to this.
Is there some phrase, words... etc that made you come to your senses?
The way I am in this cycle of feelings I cant see an end to it and it will destroy me. (not suicide)
HELP.
Please don't look down on me for this. ↓
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| Name: A Mom To Be | Date: Feb 11th, 2007 1:22 PM |
| I am more composed now but HEY the feelings and thoughts are still the same, anyway it has helped me by getting it out here online. I am off to bed. Hope you all had a better Sunday than me. ↑ |
| Name: jillw | Date: Feb 11th, 2007 2:05 PM |
| HUn I have never been in your situation, but I know several people who have. What you are feeling is normal, but I know that does not make it any easier to deal with. We can all sit here and say calm dawn and let it happen and if it doesn't then see medical intervention, but again I know that is easier said then done. Are you a woman of faith? If so the so the only advise I can honestly give is to lay all of this at Gods feet. Pray that he lifts this obsession from you and pray that you become pregnant. When you find you self obsessing over this then pray again. You are doing your part to get pregnant, but God has to do his. Take comfort in knowing that you are controling everything that IS with in your control and let the rest go so taht God can control it. Also hun you have to keep in mind that you mind is so so very powerful. Being positive is good, but you can convience you body that you are infact pregnant and that will mess you ovulation cycle up thus making it harder to fall pregnant. Look just have sex 3 times a week on avg. and focus more on making that happen when you are ovulating, but don't make it a chore. You are making love to you husband. Also just an fyi I didn't get a positive test until after several neg test and I had already missed my cycle. ↑ |
| Name: A Mom To Be | Date: Feb 11th, 2007 2:30 PM |
| Thanks Jill. I have been thinking of returning to church for this very reason, I bet as soon as I go back I will fall pregnant. If I do go back just for this reason I will feel like a cafetaria christian, who picks and chooses to go when they want... but I agree with prayer. After sex this month I would lay there afterwards and until I got up all I did was pray, so I agree with you. Thank you your comment about prayer it really does help and I will keep this in mind when I get upset and lose it next time. ↑ |
| Name: A Mom To Be | Date: Feb 11th, 2007 2:31 PM |
| Anyway it is now after midnight and I really should go to bed. Hope you enjoy what is left of your weekend. ↑ |
| Name: BrookeW | Date: Feb 11th, 2007 3:01 PM |
| I can not imagine the stress involed with ttc. I am sorry you are having such a rough time with this. Have you ever thought of any other options? There are many options out there. I am sure you have thought of all of them by now. But maybe you should give some a second thought. Just try and hang in there, I am sure you will be blessed soon with falling pregnant. Good luck to you and lots of prayers for you. ↑ |
| Name: sweet tomorrow | Date: Feb 11th, 2007 3:19 PM |
I have never been in your situation. But I can't say that I wouldn't be over dramatic about trying to get pregnant.. You're always hoping for the Positive on the test. I agree with the hubby, maybe a psychologist will be able help you with learning to deal with it. Plus it'll be nice to have someone to talk to when you need someone. But make sure it's a female.. men are crazy and don't understand the desire to be a mother. Good luck
Jenny
16+1 ↑ |
| Name: christiansmommy | Date: Feb 11th, 2007 3:25 PM |
| yes, i did lose it====i gave up trying and then i got pregnant like that next week. i couldn't believe it. but now, im about to lose it again if that ultrasound comes back tomorrow with no heartbeat. i totally feel you mtb. ↑ |
| Name: sweet tomorrow | Date: Feb 11th, 2007 3:28 PM |
| Tasha you will be in my thoughts. You and the baby! Good luck tomorrow! ↑ |
| Name: christiansmommy | Date: Feb 11th, 2007 3:29 PM |
| thankyou very much. i appreciate that. ↑ |
| Name: sweet tomorrow | Date: Feb 11th, 2007 3:31 PM |
| No need to say thank you. :-D BTW.. You look so modelish in your myspace pictures ↑ |
| Name: christiansmommy | Date: Feb 11th, 2007 3:48 PM |
~~~~~~blushing~~~~~~~
thanks girl. my 19 yr. old cousin is the model. she is 6 ft. without heels and is a size 1. ↑ |
| Name: daisyusa | Date: Feb 11th, 2007 3:49 PM |
You sound perfectly normal for a woman who wants to have a baby. It's normal to go through these feelings and you do start to question yourself. When you try so hard and want it so badly, you set your body in a stressful situation. Stress is not good when ttc. I felt this way back in Oct and Nov so convinced I was pregnant. It's good to be positive, but sometimes you set yourself up for failure. We decided not to really try in Dec and of course we missed this last O because he's overseas. The most important thing is not to beat yourself up about it. That's why I stopped the opk's and only look to temping. I am just relieved that I am ovulating and grateful just for getting another chance to conceive. Before my last baby, I only got my af about 4 times a year, not good odds for ttc but by the touch His hand, we were blessed with 2 children and we weren't trying.
There is nothing we can really say to change how you feel because I have been in that situation. When I lost my baby, all I thought about was wanting so badly to be pregnant again. I never thought I was stressing my body out over it. Then one day I realized that we need to look at this differntly. It was to the point we didn't enjoy "relations", it was too clinical. Now we enjoy it again and if we get pregnant we get pregnant. I was told there is a reason for everything when I lost my baby. Last thing I wanted to hear. But I knew it was true and I do believe that. Your time will come and one day you will be pregnant, but perhaps you just need to refocus on the situation.
It's not healthy and I'm so happy that you realize what you're doing. At this point, I don't think you have a psychological problem, but maybe it would help you if you talked to someone. Your hubby sounds very supportive, this could be difficult for him as well so you need each other to work through this.
It's not easy, but it will get easier when you relax and just let it happen. You don't really need to do the babydance every day. Every other day should be fine. And of course, there is the temping. The only reason I focus on this is because you really need to know if you are ovulating. If you're not ovulating then you would have been stressing yourself out over this for nothing and if that is the case, there is help for it. Another situation could be an LP defect, if it's too short then your body won't support a pregnancy. So these are things you can do your self and know for sure.
I feel for you, like I said, it's not easy Stay strong, you can do it. Now I sound like Bob the Builder!
Hold tight, it will happen. ↑ |
| Name: bmes | Date: Feb 11th, 2007 4:59 PM |
| omg...when hubby and I were trying it took us three years to concieve and then I miscarried. I cried everytime that damn period wuld show up....finally we just said SCREW IT!!! we stopped trying...and almost exactly a year after the miscarriage i got preg. again! and it stuck!! :-) i think there were alot more people than just Coartney telling you to chill out....and they're ALL right!! you need to stop trying so hard, or you're only going to disappoint yourself over and over again....and you being this emotional and stressed out ALL the time is NOT going to help you AT ALL!!! i don't mean to be rude and harsh, but it's true!! SNAP OUT OF IT!!!! ↑ |
| Name: angelpuff84 | Date: Feb 11th, 2007 6:22 PM |
| Please know that I am praying for you and the other ladies here ttc. I have been there too. Even though I am 22 I have been ttc for a long time. I was raped and the guy responsible beat me into a miscarrage(sp) I was only 13. After that I was diagnosed with Endometrious (sp) and was told by the time I was 25 I would have to have a hystorectomy. Even though I was very young and I waited untill I was in a long term relationship (as long as they can be at 15...I was with him untill I was 18) I started ttc, BECAUSE of my fear of never getting to have a baby of my own. I know it was stupid now and I am grateful God realized I wasn't ready and didn't answer my prayers then. But the emotional roller coaster I lived on even at that age was unberrable at times. I finally went thru a counsler and delt with most of it. It can help if you decide to do it. After I got married and we decided to ttc it all came back again. I miscarried 3 times before it stuck. If it weren't for the support of my husband, God and a good therpist I think I would have gone completly insane. I guess what I am trying to say is that I think anyone who has seriously ttc and hasn't had quick results goes thru the same things you are dealing with. No one can judge you for that....and if they do ignore them. The only advice I can give you is keep taking care of yourself and make sure everything is right within your body( I found out about a blood clotting disorder which was hurting me carrying a baby to term), PRAY, and never be afraid to vocalize how you are feeling. Getting it out in the open helps even if you never get a responce. Good Luck and I will continue praying for you and your family ↑ |
| Name: breemichelle | Date: Feb 11th, 2007 10:52 PM |
| I know it sounds cliche, but seriously, take a break. You might be having so much trouble because you're too stressed and your body isn't ready, you need to de-stress and relax, not only because it might help you to concieve, but for your health in general. Good luck and keep your head up. ↑ |
| Name: A Mom To Be | Date: Feb 12th, 2007 7:22 AM |
| Today wasnt the best day, still feel like crap and like crying, I then got home to see an email from my mother informing me that one of my younger relations is now pregnant again. I cant cope. ↑ |
| Name: christiansmommy | Date: Feb 12th, 2007 12:16 PM |
| i am here for you mtb. ~~~~~~hugs~~~~~~~~ ↑ |
| Name: A Mom To Be | Date: Feb 12th, 2007 12:46 PM |
This is one crappy rollercoaster.... I think its name is PMS. The thing is I can't recall being this bad before, I will die laughing if it is because I am pregnant afterall. AF is due tomorrow.
yee haa party time.
I think this coming month I will have to:
- light more candles
- cook more with my dh
- go walking with my dh
- ensure we have some morning sex before work (how naughty!)
- watch less tv
- listen to more relaxing music
- just lay in bed and talk more
- get more organised at work and dont bring work home to do
- go out on mini trips/drives with my dh
I need to be more planned in leisure and fun... things to keep my mind away from going nuts. I know I should stop coming here until I convieve but I really want to know how you are all going and I need your support too.
As you can see I am currently on a "I am fine, it will be okay" corner of the rollercoaster.
Thank You all for your support.
How are you Ashley? ↑ |
| Name: A Mom To Be | Date: Feb 12th, 2007 12:49 PM |
| Sorry Ashley, just reading your email now honey. ↑ |
| Name: VeggieMom2B | Date: Feb 12th, 2007 5:22 PM |
Hi am2b, I read your post this w/e but didn't have time to respond. I'm 34 y/o and this is my first pregnancy. You might hate to hear me for telling you this but luckily it took me only one time of trying to get pregnant! Yes, I was in shock myself!!! I've been threw a lot of emotional torture with my husband. He had one kid from previous marriage- a beautiful daughter (now my step) on a John Beni-Ramzi (spell???) level of beauty!!! Which made it so much harder!!! He was So not in rush to start another one (she was about 4 at the time, and now she is 6). We were constantly fighting over this. I got very obsessed with it as well. I felt incomplete as a person as well as with my hub. I needed so badly to be the mom of his kid. He didn't feel this way but he said he wanted another kid one day. That "One day" thing was killing me!!! I cried almost everyday to a point were I thought I will need a therapy. Every day, week, and month that went by it was harder and harder on me. Every time my period came, it was a sad reminder that I’m not yet, and I got very depressed.
On top of that I’m 34 y/o, not in my early or mid 20’s anymore. I’ve had problems with abnormal cells on my cervix (although I’m not at high risk) I thought it would take me at list a year to conceive. Also my hub is 40 y/o so I was freaking out!!! I wasn’t even sure why I was so obsessed over it, but now reading your post and other girl’s posts on here makes me feel it is more common then we think. Women can get into an obsession about not having kids and falling pregnant. It’s probably in our DNA or something. Some women have it stronger then others; some women are not worried till they are close to 40 lol, and some women don’t care to have kids at all.
I feel all the process we’ve been threw till start ttc was similar to what you are going threw ttc. I also remember obsessing with what would it be like being pregnant. And also what would it be like with my hub. I wanted so badly to have the experience, and the thought it would never happen were unbearable!!!
I can’t tell you don’t stress over this because I know exactly how you feel and how badly you want to fall pregnant.
I also wanted to say, once I found out I was pregnant; I was more in shock the happy. It took very long to “sink in”. The fact that I obsessively wanted it, didn’t made me instant happy. Now I’m finding new things get stressed and depressed about, and I’m wonder if it will happen to you as well.
I’ll end here. Just wanted to share my story with you. Hope it makes sense :)
By the way, how old are you??? ↑ |
| Name: A Mom To Be | Date: Feb 12th, 2007 9:17 PM |
Thank you for your story. I am 26.
I am much calmer and fine at the moment. I got my af 15 mins ago. Reality sets in when I get my af and there is no obsessing over whether I am pregnant or not, it is once again hope that later this month that we try again and hopefully have better luck. It is always the week of af that I lose myself... see I have instant clarity... all I needed was my af :S
Anyway I have to get ready to go to work. I am such a loser :P I feel fine now, that is pretty silly.
There you go ashley, we have confirmed that cramping 7+ days before your period also means that you are SURPRISE getting your period. How long is your cycle, mine is 32... we can talk again this cycle. ↑ |
| Name: seatrout | Date: Feb 12th, 2007 9:21 PM |
| Just out of curiosity - (and I'm being serious not sarcastic) do you by chance have a predisposition to something like depression or anxiety? Such as do you have family members with such ailments? I have cronic depression and have been on meds for it since I was 25 or so, now 36 - and my life is much much better, but I have quite a few family members with mental issues and if that is your case, you may do well to find a good psychiatrist to help you with the stress. ↑ |
| Name: A Mom To Be | Date: Feb 13th, 2007 8:14 AM |
MIZZBRANDISS I havent rejected anyones suggestions in this thread. My body is not a shambles, it was probably in a lot better shape than most of you before you fell pregnant, yes I have been stressed but it all happens the week of af, the rest of the month I am not too bad and any stress that happens then is work related and I cant help that. When I started this thread the other day I was at the peak of it, I am now back on the bottom and will start to climb in about another 25 days rapidly, I am aware of it so now I need to try and stop this from getting this bad again, and I have confidence that I can plan to stop the stress from mounting. Thank you for reminding me of stress and conception, I agree that it is really bad, but I want you to know that I am not stressed like that 24/7... if I was God help me I would have no hair left.
seatrout - Aunt and cousin who have had mental health issues/problems. Nothing too major. I did see someone in 2001 and it was work stress related ALL DUE TO ONE BITCH, and once I was free from her I was fine. I was also 20 at the time and didn thave as many coping mechanism and my now husband was working in another town at the time so it didnt help. I will be okay, I am making sure I plan to stay on top of this.
THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT. I LOVE YOU GUYS. ↑ |
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