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hey ladies. i really need some advice, and i thought the best person to ask would be other expecting mothers to be or mothers who have kind of been in the same situation im in. Im 5 1/2 months pregnant now with a baby boy (: And i couldnt be any happier. But on the other hand there's my fiance. We've been having our ups and downs alot lately. I heard that happens alot with couples when you get pregnant just bc of all of the changes going on in both of us and all. But the thing is my fiances cheated on me more than once in the past 3 years. and bc of that we've had bad trust issues. well the the past 7 months before i got pregnant.. everything was great. i trusted him again and we were wonderful. well when i was about 3 1/2 months pregnant. this girl called my phone looking for marc. Turned out marc met a girl at the gas station and got her number and being dumb like he can be at times called her from MY cell phone lol funny i know. well i was crushed. and not only that but not 2 weeks later i found 2 numbers in his car. Well a couple months has gone by and i havent heard/ found out anything recently so i think hes being faithful to me right now but everyone i talk to says people like that never change. I love him with all my heart and i want us to be a family more than anything. Hes a great person and can be the sweetest fiance at times but he also has his moments and bad habits. he smokes.. and im not talking about just cigerettes. I hate that. i keep asking him to stop and he tells me he plans on it soon but he hasnt yet. he spends alot of his money towards that. Which i wish he would be saving for the baby instead like i am with all the extra money i get and put away. But where my problem comes in is i work at a car dealership and ive been here for about 2 months now.. while working here i met this amazing guy. Hes the same age as me and its crazy how much we have in common. He had an ex who he was with for 2 years adn shes basically a girl version of my fiance. so we've been going through the same situations. Well we've been talking alot lately and i just recently found out he has a crush on me and keeps asking if id like to go out on a date with him. idk what to do. hes the kind of guy that would never hurt the girl he's with. is so loyal and trustworthy. and makes me smile all the time. He always trys to buy things for me.. which is the complete oposite of marc. The more i talk to him the more i feel like its pushing me away from my fiance. And i hate it. i love marc and i want to be with him more than anything. im just afraid hes never gunna change and im just going to keep getting hurt for the rest of my life and throw away a chance to be with an amazing guy who basically told me he'd love to be there for me and my baby. i know it wouldnt be nearly the same though, considering he's not bradleys real father and i really want marc to be there. i know marc loves me hes just made really bad decisions in the past. he keeps telling me he wants things to get better and that hes done cheating and hurting me that he wants to be a good father and husband to bradley and i but how do i know hes not just saying that. please help me ladies if youve been in a simular situation like this or can just give me some advice. i dont want to hang out w/ the guy i work with and ruin things w/ marc more than they already are.. id never cheat on marc, but just hanging out with him would make me feel really guilty. but yet another part of me wants to hang out w/ him. so im pretty confused.. and not to mention the emotional parts killing me lol (: And for those who read all of this.. thanks for just listening to me (: ↓
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| Name: mommyagain | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 3:44 PM |
| I dont want to hurt you more but hun get out now. My Ex-husband was the same way. I kept thinking no he will change really he will. THEY DONT... and what you will find is that even if he does change that will be about the time that you dont need him to anymore. I know its hard. I have 2 girls 6 and 3 plus another on the way. I left the girls dad when my 3 year old was about 8 months. Now I am happy... truely happy in a commited, trustworthy relationship with the father of my baby girl to be! Dont waste your life hoping that someone will change. Also buy the book... "its called break up because its broken" and the book "hes just not that into you" I promise even if you dont like to read you will not be able to put them down... they seriously changed my life. Now I am independent and with Jay because I love him and trust him... not because I NEED him. ↑ |
| Name: mommy2be416 | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 4:01 PM |
| thank you so much for replying i didnt think anyone was going to (: that really meant alot. everyone ive talked to has pretty much told me the same thing. they may act like they changed but they adventually go back to their old ways. that its in their heart and its the kind of person they are. its soo hard though. its like my mind keeps telling me just give him another chance and try to forget everything, that way we can have a happy family together. but i knowww i shouldnt. And this guy i work with really seems like a wonderful guy. Its hard to find nice guys these days so i feel like id be dumb to pass up an opportunity to go out w/ him one night. Thanks for telling me about the books too ill def see if i can find them and read them (: i dont read too much but when i find a good book i cant put down i love it (: Maybe it'll open my eyes up some too. Thanks again hun. Good luck with your little one (: ↑ |
| Name: Marlene | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 4:02 PM |
| Sweetheart she is 100% right get out now. I got married when i was 16 was married for 10&1/2 yrs. Those are waisted yrs that i can't get back. He was the same way he drank and made lots of empty promises and b/c that is what i wanted so bad i stayed just hoping one day he would really mean the things he said. We have not been together for 4yrs now. My daughter is 12yrs old and she hates the thoughts of going to her dads for the weekend b/c of seeing how he treated me while she was growing up. Don't tell yourself you will stay for your son. It only hurts them more. And remember this for your son and his futer "YOU LIVE WHAT YOU LEARN" do you want your son to be like his dad and make some other young lady feel just like you. Good luck best wishes and i hope you do whats really best for you and your son you deserve to be happy and to be loved truley loved. ↑ |
| Name: mommy2be416 | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 4:16 PM |
| thank you marlene. Marcs the same way he always promises so many things and i dont think hes ever actually came through with one of them. I talk to his mom alot about everything. and she knows about everything hes done and she thinks now that we've having a baby boy, which is what marc wanted more than anything.. that it will straighten him up, because he keeps talking about how hes going to catch his sports teams and do all these things with him as he grows up. but then again i still dont feel like thats truely going to make him faithful to me. its so hard, but im going to try my hardest to be strong and move on. My mom thinks i should wait till the baby gets here that way im not stressed during this time. She doesnt think hes going to change either. And once the baby gets here i think it'll be easier when i have my baby in my arms. i wont feel like i need him like i feel i do now. Thank you again though for all the great advice and listening to me vent (: it means alot. ↑ |
| Name: VeggieMom2B | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 4:32 PM |
Relationships cannot exsist with out TRUST in one another!!!
I disagree that people never change. Some people do, and others don't. Have you tried counsling together first??? ↑ |
| Name: mommy2be416 | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 4:33 PM |
mizzbrandi-
wow i cant even start to explain how much of the same stuff it seems like we've been through lol
sounds like we're talking about the same guy kinda. Marcs cheated on me so much, and hes basically done everything you said ur ex did, from the numbers in his phone, to finding numbers under his bed/car/wallet. lol girls calling him and telling me he met them @ a red light and he just started talking to them. this was mostly a year ago.. bc i left him once for a good 8 months and he dated a girl for a while soon after and he cheated on her alot and then he called me once she cheated on him and he tried getting me back.. well i questioned it but at the same time i still loved him and missed him. So i started talking to him again and i "thought he changed" well we got back together.. 7 months later.. found out i was pregnant.. 3 months later.. i found out he hasnt changed.. and now 2 months later i havent found out anything.. but i still have thoughts in my head all the time and question every little thing he does. i absolutely hate it. i want him to be there so bad when the babys born and to just be there for me and the baby. but not if hes going to be messing around on me. He cries all the time whenever i talk about us breaking up and begs me not to leave and to take his baby from him. And now i met this new guy who seems like the most perfect guy ive ever met and idkkk what to do!! i love marc and would do anything for him to change. but i dont see it happening. thanks for replying girl (: ↑ |
| Name: mommyagain | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 4:38 PM |
| Alot of us have been there its no problem listening to you vent! I also stayed with my ex hoping that I wouldnt have to break up our family. An yes of course the girls miss their dad but they are so much happier and better off seeing me and Jay than seeing me and their dad fight all the time. You have to be ready to leave... to leave. I went to counceling for a year before I could walk out... but I tell you what... I left with what was on our backs and nothing else... never looked back and still have never cried about it. I wasted so many tears everytime he would cheat or drink too much by the time I left I was ready. ↑ |
| Name: mommy2be416 | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 4:40 PM |
veggiemom-
See i feel the same way. i feel like some people change. but then others have no interest at all in changing. He tells me all the time hes done with everything. How hes going to step up and be a good/loving father and husband but idk what to do. im 20 and hes 19. Ive thought about counsiling but someone told me that stuff doesnt usually work? Do you think it'd be a good idea? We're also kinda short with money right now having a baby on the way and all.. we've been trying to save money to get a house and everything. So i wasnt sure how much it cost per sessions and stuff? ↑ |
| Name: bmes | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 4:42 PM |
| there's no relationship if there's no trust. And how can you trust him? ↑ |
| Name: Marlene | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 4:44 PM |
| mommyagain is right again lol you have to be ready and want to leave. Trust me when you do it is worth more than anything money could ever buy you. The weight that seems to be lifted off your shoulders is wow thats all i can say is wow. I just got mad at myself that i waited so long and waisted all that time. ↑ |
| Name: mommy2be416 | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 4:47 PM |
mommyagain-
so the counsiling did help you alot? im really thinking about starting that. i just really think it'd help alot. My mom thinks i should take him with me and see if it'll help him too to where we both and just work things out and go from there. but idk if it'll make him change. ↑ |
| Name: VeggieMom2B | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 4:59 PM |
Well, if you have med insurance that can be pretty cheap. I go now for myself and I only have to pay co-payment, which is $20 per session. I go every 2nd week. In the past we took privet counseling together and we paid $75. We went every 2nd week as well. Some places take a sliding scale fee (I hope I said it right) which shouldn’t be too bad.
We weren’t in same situation as you but I do believe counseling can help. If he claimed he changed then I will make sure with a professional counselor + work on the trust for both of you see if you can repair it and move on as more aware trusting, and loving couple. ↑ |
| Name: mommy2be416 | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 5:02 PM |
| ya i cant trust him and i hate it. i always question him which i hate.. and it causes huge fights but its no ones fault but his own for me being the way i am.. everything use to be perfect , i never worried about anything or even questioned him until he gave me a reason to. Ive left him before for about 8 months and i was so much happier. i hugn out w/ my girl friends everyday, we went to the clubs, just hugn out with all of our other friends and had fun. it kept my mind of off him and i was so much happier. i never had to worry about what he was doing when i wasnt around. It was great! But then after 8 months of not seeing him he came back around and he seemed like a totally new person bc of everything he went through during those 8 months of not talking. somehow i trusted him again and everything was great so i took him back. Now im pregnant. And now that i found out he hasnt changed. It seems so much harder being the situation im in now. ↑ |
| Name: mommyagain | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 5:03 PM |
| Yes it works... if you want it to. Sure you could ask him to go too, but if he is like my ex... one time and that will be it for him. BETTER YET GO JUST YOU FOR YOU. You cant change him, you can only change you. It will help you be better for you. It will help you too see you are better than this. By all means I had a great councelor so I was lucky. I was scared to death no one would ever love me, no one would love my kids, THEN I WOKE UP AND REALIZED ITS NOT ABOUT THEM LOVING ME... ITS ABOUT ME FINDING SOMEONE WORTH MY LOVE. I know it sounds selfish but its true. GO FOR YOU AND NO ONE ELSE... IT WILL MAKE YOU BETTER FOR EVERYONE. ↑ |
| Name: mommy2be416 | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 5:20 PM |
jill-
wow i know exactly how your sister feels. When marc and me were broken up for the 8 months, i didnt sleep with anyone and im guessing he just had the time of his life bc once we got back together and when we found out i was pregnant we also found out he gave me an STD. its nothing horrible, i wont affect the baby, and its not AIDS, but its something that can be treated and ill have it for the rest of my life. So, he says he didnt know he had anything:/ but it hink that was a lie. So now i have all these thoughts in my head like if i leave him and try to go out w/ his new nice guy , what are his parents going to think whenever he brings home a pregnant girl for the first time? and how shoudl i tell him about the STD i mean its not my fault. ive only been w/ marc so its not like i slept around. its just imbarressing though. He seems like the kind of guy who wouldnt even try anything till it meant something special. I just wouldnt want to wait too late to tell him and make him think i was keeping something from him. So pretty much you can tell how many things are running through my head lol im so confused. i wish things could just work out for marc and me and i feel like i keep tryin to tell my self still that hes going to change. but in my heart i know he wont. its so hard. thanks for everyones advise again!! its really helping me realize alot. ↑ |
| Name: VeggieMom2B | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 5:25 PM |
| Sounds like you still care for this guy. I would give it a last chance but with counseling this time so action can be done and not just words. At list you'll know you've tried everything before you gave up. ↑ |
| Name: mommy2be416 | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 5:30 PM |
| i think your right veggiemom. i think that'd be the best, and i think it'd make me feel better inside like you said knowing i didnt just let it go i gave him one final chance and if it doesnt work than ill have my baby boy and i know theres other guys out there who would treat me the way i deserve to be treated. But what should i say to the guy i work with. i feel like ive not really been leading him on, but i told him i wanted to hang out with him. He knows the situation im in though and he seems like an understanding person. ↑ |
| Name: mommy2be416 | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 5:46 PM |
| i know your totally right too brandie. idk what im going to do. ive never been put in a situation this hard.it shouldnt be hard, i should just know whats right and leave. but then on the other hand what if the consuling does work? idk. i guess i just need to think about things and decide what would be best for me and the baby. you are right though and i completely see where your coming from! I guess i just dont want to look back and think what if the classes helped.. and i never gave it a shot ya know? i wanna be able to look back knowing i tried everything like she said knowing he was just a total waste of time. ↑ |
| Name: jillw | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 5:51 PM |
| If you don't mind me asking what did he give you? It may help to know what you could be passing on and how to prevent it from being passed before you decide to go with the new guy. As for the parents thing just take it slow. I am in no way saying that leaving you current situation means that you now have to start a new relationship. Sometimes the best thing is to jsut be alone for a while. Not to say that you can't see the other guy, but just take it very very slow. ↑ |
| Name: mommyagain | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 5:55 PM |
| I agree completely with Jill. By all means you can practice date!! but nothing to serious right away. Also I agree with you... try that one last thing. I have been there saying the same exact thing to myself... "One more thing (counceling) if that doesnt work nothing will" and you are right... that really is your last option... but once again do it for you... not him. ↑ |
| Name: VeggieMom2B | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 5:57 PM |
I wouldn't worry about guy #2 at this point. He knows the situation, and he should not make you feel bad or anything. You have to do what's best for you. You cannot offer him more then friendship at this time. You are preg and vulnerable and if he is a nice guy he should understand and not be pushy towards you.
The last thing you need is to move from one bad relationship to the other. Even if guy #1 is not for you, then you still need some time to heal and do some soul searching so it won't happen again in next relationship. That should take sometime but you'll have to go threw it in order to heal yourself. Guys will always be around but now you need to focus on currant relationship and figure out if it can work or not so you can make farther decisions. ↑ |
| Name: mommyagain | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 6:02 PM |
| You are right Brandi, but try to understand her feeling of trying one last thing to make things good... will it help? prolly not but at least she can say she tried everything. Hopefully it will work for her like it did for me... I went in trying to fix my relationship and instead I fixed me. ↑ |
| Name: mommy2be416 | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 6:06 PM |
| oh yah i would never plan on rushing into another relationship right now. i couldnt. so if i did decide to talk to the guy i work with than it'd take things very slow. i was just saying for instance down the road how would i tell him those things. not anytime soon. im not ready to rush into anything else. im not even sure what i want to do right now lol i dont mind you asking though.. he gave me genital warts.. yes it sounds gross but its really not that bad. i didnt even know i had them but whenever she tested me for aids and everythign else at my first ob appt. she found out on the test it came back abnormal and found out its not as bad as having herpies but if i have a break out than its very contagious. Ill have it forever but on the bright side it is something where if i ever have an outbreak i can get medicine to treat them and it'll go away. and if i end up leaving him than i really have nothing to worry about bc i woudlnt be havign sex w/ him and the only way you can get an outbreak is having sex w/ someone who has an outbreak. So lucky its not something that effects me everyday and its not something ive had to worry about yet. Since ive found out when i did have sex with him i made him use a condom just incase he had one i didnt see. im not taking the chance (: ↑ |
| Name: mommy2be416 | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 6:17 PM |
| thank all you ladies for helping me (: its really helped alot. i never really thought too much about cousiling. the thoughts crossed my mind. but im going to talk to marc about it tonight and hopefully he'll feel the same. Ill give him one last chance to to see if it helps. and if not than i know i deserve so much more. I really appreciate all the advise though its opened my eyes alot. And hopefully things work out for the best. And the guy i work with ill just explain to him the situation and friends is all i can be right now w/ him and im sure he'll understand. Hes been there for me to talk to through all the rough times lately just as a friend, so i know he'll be understanding (: Thank you all again. And ill def keep yall updated and yet yall know tomorrow how things went tonight when i have a huge talk with him and see how he feels about everything. And if he even wants to put effort into going to cousiling with me. Im pretty sure he will.. but we'll see (: ↑ |
| Name: VeggieMom2B | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 6:22 PM |
| Good luck Mom2be!!! I hope things will work out for the best. I know over time they will :) ↑ |
| Name: jillw | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 6:59 PM |
| well I figured that it was that or herpies. Good news is that HPV(virus that causes the warts) is so common that he has prob been exposed. Many many people have it and never devlop warts. Any woman who has ever had an abnormal pap prob has HPV. Also it usually doesn't cause warts in men for some reason. I would simply tell him that you have it (as do more then 2/3 of all people), but as long as you do not have sex and you have a wart he shouldn't devlop any. Also it has not been proven that condoms help to prevent the spread which is why it is the most common of all std's. Some researchers are investigating that people may be able to contract it non sexually. So really no big deal. ↑ |
| Name: mommy2be416 | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 7:15 PM |
jill- ya its very common. My ob doctor said i may never have an symptoms of having it as long as im careful with him. So im really not that worried about it. Im mostly just happy he didnt give me anything that could have affected the baby. i really hope everything goes okay with your sister. i wish her the best of luck w/ the baby and the situation shes in. Its very hard. but i know it will all work out one way or another in the end. You should tell her to join this site. i love it. i was so down today wondering what i should do but talking to all you ladies made me feel soo much better about everything and i think she'd feel the same way. (: nice talking to you.
Brandi- no need to appoligize you werent rude at all. i totally understand where your coming from. i cant stand guys who cheat on girls either. like you said no girl should have to be put there the things we've been put through. ↑ |
| Name: April Sue | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 8:18 PM |
Personally the biggest problem I would have is the trust issue. If you can make it through this together he needs to understand that your trust for him is going to be pretty much nothing.
Just do what is best for you! Don't worry about everyhting else until you need to. The guy at work is a great support and if he truly is interested in you, he'll be your friend first and wait til later to pursue more. Good luck in getting through this tough time in your life. I hope that in the end you will ultimately do what is best for YOU. ↑ |
| Name: mommyagain | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 8:46 PM |
| No you were not rude Brandi. I too know exactly where you are coming from. Also it is very aggrivating like you said... even if it isnt us this time! ↑ |
| Name: firsttimer | Date: Dec 13th, 2006 9:16 PM |
| the first thing i want to say bradley's "real" father will have nothing to do with blood. it's the man who is always there for him and tucks him into bed at night. my sister is my half sister but my dad has raised her since she was 3 and he is her dad, and if you ask her she has never had any other father. in my opinion you should raise your child in the best environment and smoking anything and cheating are not it. this other man sounds way better. i would run away from marc as fast as possible. ↑ |
| Name: mommyagain | Date: Dec 15th, 2006 4:57 PM |
| Brandi that was great... hopefully she comes back and reads it. ↑ |
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