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I feel so alone these past couple of days. I dont know if it is the hormones or my mom or my friends or Jay. I really dont know. I just feel so alone. Like im in this slump that I just cant get out of. Like I dont have anybody. What is wrong with me? Am I turning into my mother? I just want to cry and I dont even know why. ↓
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| Name: nicole jones | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 3:24 AM |
| I think we talked a little bit about our mothers before Mommyagain. I know the feeling. I have been really depressed for the last month, and barely leaving the house - which is what my mother does - and that just made it worse. I am terrified of being anything like her. It started making me even more depressed. I'm not sure how to break that cycle besides to say that it probably is your hormones, and therefore not like your mother (unless your mother's pregnant, lol). ↑ |
| Name: mommyagain | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 3:37 AM |
Thanks Nicole... I really neede that support. I too have that as my worst fear... "being my mother". I really think I should start counceling now because I already see things starting that way. I dont want my kids to see me as someone they need to worry about all the time like I had to with her.
As far as being down at this moment, yeah probably just hormones. I wish it would stop though. I hate feeling like im going to bust into tears at any moment for no reason at all! ↑ |
| Name: nicole jones | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 4:01 AM |
I know what you mean about the counseling. I definitly need some too. I was in it for a long time, but gave it up when I got married and lost my insurance. I remember growing up, my dad was normal but mom - you couldn't talk to loud around mom, you couldn't tap your fingers around mom (the repition would make her flip out), mom was to scared to drive, mom was always napping, mom was too scared of crowds, slides, playgrounds, people, etc. so there was always something we couldn't do. She was constantly getting rid of family friends and relatives over stupid things because they were "out to get her". We had to walk on eggshells around her because she was always "sick". She never cooked, cleaned, played with me, hugged me, or did anything even remotely motherly.
And to make the situation worse, my dad hated her too. She cheated on him when he was away at war, negelected me when he was away for months at a time (she's never been like that to "her boys" - my half brothers) and bless his heart for never telling me when I was a child - but he only married her because she was already 4 months pregnant with me and she had two kids from dirtbags that took off on her and was living in the projects. I would have hated to think I was the reason he was so unhappy for 13 years, but in a sence I was. Me and him have kind of been a team since I was little, but that meant he talked a lot about how he didn't like her with me.
So I understand - I'm so afraid of being like that. I don't want my children to grow up to despise me. I worry because I can't drive (my vision is really really poor), and I've been battling depression my whole life and other health issues, so I'm not as "high energy" as some people. I'm scared that this is the beginning of a miserable life like hers. Sorry if that was to much information, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone. I think about it every day. ↑ |
| Name: mommyagain | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 4:33 AM |
Wow Nicole I think we might be sisters!
Mine is the same way. Everything was everybody elses fault. She was the same way... never left the house didnt cook or clean (this is all in my adulthood) Before that as a child she would wake up every morning the same way... sitting at the table drinking her coffee crying her eyes out, I would sit with her in complete scilence trying to figure out how to make my mommy happy. I never want might kids to feel like that.
My dad was kinda my pal too. They divorced when I was only 5 so I saw him on weekends until I became an adult then I moved to be closer to him. But then he got cancer and died about a year ago. So yes depression is definitly alarming for me. So part of me wants to shrug this off as pregnancy hormones and the other part wants to nip this in the bud...quick! ↑ |
| Name: cheyenne_terrine | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 10:50 AM |
| i get that feeling all th time, doc says its the hormones ↑ |
| Name: zasamich | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 2:41 PM |
I was diagnosed with depression when I was 18, and took meds for it for 9 years. I've been 'on my own' for the past 2. I think you need to talk to your doctor NOW. Yes, hormones play a definite factor. I'm 39 weeks pregnant, and I cry at Hallmark commercials....it's sad. But what you're describing is beyond normal pregnancy blues. I've experienced both 'blues' and 'depression', and what you are describing sounds more like depression. Given your family history of it, you run a fair risk of experiencing it yourself.
So talk to your doctor, you might need therapy, medications, or both. And that's okay! What's important is that you are recognizing these signs, and you know you don't want to be that way. You are strong enough to be your own person...don't worry about becoming your mother. You're already one step ahead. Get the help you need, and you'll feel better. :) ↑ |
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