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okay so I guess I should explain a littlle before saying the problem at hand.. i am 20 yrs old, when i was 7 my mom started dating this guy, who was a meathead muscle bound alcoholic fucking prick. he beat the shit out of me and my mom until i was 15 yrs old, I ended up in psych wards b.c i tried killing myself, I got into drugs b.c i hated myself. being told every day of your life that you're worthless and a piece of shit, and youll never amount to anything that eventually just wears u down. and now my brother and sister are older, 12 and 13 and although my stepdad doesnt drink or hit anymore, he still knows how to push you around. make you wish you were dead. I look at my brother and sister crying and i see myself when i was younger, just wanting to die, hurting so bad b.c this person can hurt you so bad without laying a hand on you and you cant do anything. im sitting here balling my fucking eyes out b/c he just flipped out hardcore on my brother about not using a fork when eating, and its not like he tells you calmly first, he just goes right at you and attacks you, with no reguards. my mom has a cyst on her brain, and my stepdad calls her a fucking psycho b.c she has to take so many medications, and that he isnt the psycho b.c he only needs an inhaler.. so what im saying i dont know.. i just know that im terrified to leave my family, im afraid im gonna call from overseas one day and that my mother has gone off the deep end, or that my brother or my sister have tried to hurt them selves or have suvveeded, and i dont know what to do, i cant stop crying, its like no matter how many pills you take how much therapy you get, one little word out of his mouth can make you just want to fucking die. :( ↓
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| Name: connie | Date: Oct 18th, 2006 12:09 AM |
Well Coartney I have shoulder you can cry one, 2 ears you can talk to and always a open heart and mind too.
It sucks being the big sister and feeling crappy like you do, as much as you dont want to hear this you do need to take care of yourself first, is there any other family memebers that can help out? ↑ |
| Name: Coartney | Date: Oct 18th, 2006 12:25 AM |
| the funny thing about my stepdad, is hes sober, he got baptised and goes to church like 3 days a week, and b.c of that he thinks everything he has done and does is forgiven as long as he goes. sometimes i wanna record him at home and how he treats ppl and send it to the church, they all think he is just an amazing guy b.c he makes the donations and everything but they dont know HIM, they know his little alter ego he pretends to be to strangers. even my fiance thinks my stepdad is amazingly nice, even when he is in the background screaming while im on the phone. and i know im starting my own family, but i dont think this baby is going to ever be as important to me as my mom is. the thought of my mom even being sick has me in her bed next to her crying about how i dont want to lose her. my grandmother died of cancer at 49 when i was 11, she had cancer, and refused to go to the hospital, she just died in front of us all and im terrified that one day thats gonna be my mother, and its gonna be one day soon, and i dont know, i want to stab my stepdad, i want to hurt him, i want him to cry and hate life and want to die like he makes us feel b.c it isnt fair. i know we all get hurt in life, but what did we all do to deserve a man like this hurting us? and my mom always leaves and comes back to him, hasnt left him since i was 15 though. she always went back.. said she could see the good in him and she loved him. i think there is only such much goodness can do, and blind a person from. i probably will sound crazy right now, but i really want to kill him, like ive thought about it. i want him to hurt. and i wanna watch him hurt like he did with me, and i want him to suffer, to where he just wants to hurt himself more to end it all quicker ↑ |
| Name: Coartney | Date: Oct 18th, 2006 12:48 AM |
| thank you. kristy somehow everything you say always has me in tears or crying harder haha . ↑ |
| Name: Coartney | Date: Oct 18th, 2006 12:58 AM |
| ur on prozac? why wont my doctors let stay on anything? LOL damnit can i borrow ur doctor? ↑ |
| Name: Kristy84 | Date: Oct 18th, 2006 1:03 AM |
| :) It's probably b/c you just started your 2nd trimester...Depression and anxiety can be very harmful for the baby ie. high blood pressure so the dr. has to weigh the benefits to the risks. Since many drugs like Prozac and Zoloft haven't proven harmful during th elatter part of your 2nd and 3rd trimesters, dr.'s usually prescribe them,. You're also at a much higher risk for post-partum depression, so when you finally get insurance you need to see about getting on some drugs. ↑ |
| Name: AnnD | Date: Oct 18th, 2006 1:15 AM |
| Your stepfather is a total and complete asshole and there is not a damn thing you can do about it girl. You have no control over his behavior. Take pride in the fact that you are a role model for your younger brother and sister. Meaning, they know that you went through the same thing and you managed to get through it and make it. And when you can restrain from physically hurting him in retaliation, you show them that there are other ways of solving problems and of simply "being" than what they are exposed to on a regular basis. We all know that kids can be put through trauma after trauma, year after year. It happens all of the time! One research study sought to find out why some of these kids are more resilient, go on with their lives, having healthy coping skills and are able to stop the viciosus cycles of addiction and violence they were so exposed to when they were little and why some kids follow the same paths and have more difficulties coping. The study found that the kids that "made it" had a single factor in common; they all cited one person in their life who supported them, one person who they could look up to and one person who encouraged them and praised them. Just one. That's all that it took. You can be that one person for your siblings and you can do that from Turkey through phone calls and email and such. And remember when you witness your siblings getting the same abuse that you got, your little girl side becomes very scared. Violent people can do that to their victims, they bring them right back to the age they were when the trauma happened. So, when your little brother got yelled at for not using a fork (bless his heart), you automatically became who you were when you were 11 years old and being abused. Just tell yourself: "I'm not a little girl. I'm strong, I'm a mommy now and he does not have control over me and he cannot hurt me now." ↑ |
| Name: EthansMom0213 | Date: Oct 18th, 2006 3:54 AM |
Coartney-
He's a saying for your stepdad....You say you're a Christian because you go to church. Does that make me a car if I stand in the garage." To many people truely feel that going to church will make everything that they have done two days ago seem like it never happened. He doesn't need to ask God for his forgiviness he needs to ask you, your mother, your bother and your sister. He needs to promise to try and be a better person. Stop that verbal abuse which is just as bad as physical abuse. Sounds like my dad though. It's your fault he is the way he is not his own. My dad also pretends to be someone that he isn't. The good news is that my sister and I are only in his life when we fit in. When he needs to show us off to his friends. Every other time we are garbage. I sometime think verbal abuse actually hurts more then physical abuse. And yeah it doesn't take much to make you feel as if you are worthless when all of your life you have been made to feel as if you do not matter.
Connie is right...you need to come first. He can only continue to hurt you if you allow him to. You have to believe that you are better then what he has told you over the years. You are someone body. I understand that it hurts you knowing that this ass is doing the same thing to your mom, your brother and your sister. The best you can do is just be there for them in there time of need. Be the one to tell them that they are somebody and just be strong for them. ↑ |
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