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This Friday will be my 2nd Dr. visit. If everything will go well, then we are in a dilemma if to tell my step daughter (who is soon to be 6) or not. Her mom is very mad with us for not paying half of her privet school, so she cut off all communication with us, plus it is very obvious that she is trying to manipulate the kid against us. I want this to be nothing but a good experience for my step daughter, and it makes me feel sad every time I am thinking of her mom flinch or react badly because we are going to have a kid of our own. We know she is very jealous. Any one has experience or advice for us. We will appreciate it! ↓
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| Name: jillw | Date: Oct 23rd, 2006 5:42 PM |
| I wish there was away to control the mother of you step children, but it jsut can't be done. If she is stopping you guys from seing the child then get the courts involved. As long as he is paying child support then she has to allow shceduled visitations no matter how much she hates it. As for your step daughter jsut be excited when you tell her had let her help out with buying stuff and picking out things she will be excited. She may act funny because of the crap her mom is telling her, but children are not dumb if you keep letting her know that you guys lover her and she is important then she will se that her mom is just being bitter. I feel bad for the little girl, but she will see through her mom's stuff and when she tells you crap that her mom has said like "my mom said you and my dad don't love me" say well we love you very much and you are very special to us. do you feel like we do not love you. of course she will say no then say ok then all that matters is that we both know how much you are loved. that way you can combat what her mother is telling her with out saying negative things about her mom. Good luck ↑ |
| Name: VeggieMom2B | Date: Oct 23rd, 2006 6:11 PM |
Thank Jill for your insight!
I know you are in a simular situation, so (unfortunately) I am glad we are not alone. Like I have said before, it would be for the kid’s best interest if the entire adult got along. We even took a special course for that called "Parents turn" That teaches you how to raise kids healthy in two homes. Unfortunately the ex would not take it (at list for now). All she wants is things to be her way or nothing. We do pay child support every month… I am still laughing that her mom decided with out consulting us to get privet violin lessons for her daughter. She sends us half of the bill expecting us to pay for it. I think she lives in her own fantasy world. My husband is an equal parent, and they are both have 50% / 50% custody.
I hope what you are saying is true, and that the girl is smart enough to figure out the truth. She knows we both love her to death!
Do you think we should tell now or wait little longer? My heart tells me if she was 100% my own then I would even told her earlier. I am just concern about her mom’s reaction, which my husband from knowing her say it should get even worse then when we got married. But you are right, there is nothing that she can do about it but to show bitterness or who knows what. It is just sucks knowing someone would not be happy to hear about our happiness. ↑ |
| Name: jillw | Date: Oct 23rd, 2006 6:17 PM |
| I would tell her. Maybe she could go to an appt with you guys and hear the baby's heart beat. She is going to be excited to be a big sister. the ex will have to get over it. I wish I could take my step sons mom to a parenting class. It is not that so much that she talks bad about me or his dad it is just the way she acts in general. I called to inform my husband that she moved out of her house and quit her job! I was like are you kidding me there is just no stability and I feel so very bad for my step son. Again we called and told our lawyer, but it is still not ground to get custody so I jsut keep making the reports so that we have a record of her history. It just sucks to feel helpless but we have to focus on the children I guess ↑ |
| Name: VeggieMom2B | Date: Oct 23rd, 2006 6:37 PM |
I understand when you say: "It is not that so much that she talks bad about me or his dad it is just the way she acts in general."
Taking my step to see an u/s sound great!!! My hub and I both like the idea!!! I wish she could also be at birth since I am planning a natural one :), but that most likely would not happen. To complicated I guess :(.
We are planning to move closer to her house so we can take her to school in the mornings, and we are already eligible for more visitation, just because distance it is so hard right now.
I think I would go with what you have said and tell her. I think she may know already since she is a very smart kid. She talks a lot about babies lately which is odd. Sounds like she would love the idea of being a big sis! I just have to overcome my fear of the ex reaction because I will have no control over it no mutter if I will wait with telling or not. ↑ |
| Name: VeggieMom2B | Date: Oct 23rd, 2006 6:38 PM |
| Hey Jill, have you told your step kid(s) already??? ↑ |
| Name: VeggieMom2B | Date: Oct 23rd, 2006 7:14 PM |
| I hear you Jill! I am not sure if you live anywhere near the west coast but there is a wonderful programs here in San Diego and San Francisco that teaches parents how to raise healthy kids in two homes. I wish they had it everywhere. The ones who suffer the most are the innocent kids. The fact that you love and treat your stepson like your own makes a big difference!!! People get stuck in their own anger and bitterness and forget about the kids whom they have to raise together. I just wish both, our ex and yours would move on, and realize they are making mistake that will affect their kids for the rest of their lives. ↑ |
| Name: jillw | Date: Oct 23rd, 2006 8:03 PM |
| I live in ohio. I am sure that there are some programs like that here, but the problem is that the parents who are already know it is about the child are the only ones who want to go and the other parent is the one doing the damage :) I hope that your step daughters mom comes around and goes to one of those meetings so everyone can be on the same page ↑ |
| Name: moshecathy | Date: Oct 24th, 2006 12:07 AM |
| All ex's are angray, no matter what you do! They will always resent you. Anyway, if you are paying child support and it is court appointed then that's it. You have no responsibility to pay for half of her private school. My step son is in private school too and her mom gets $1200/month from us. She wants us to pay $3000/month for child support when she lives in florida and the cost of liviong is so much more cheaper. We have 2 kids and my son is in public school. My daughter is in pre-school now and we dont have any public pre-school but she's definitely going to public school too. About your step daughter, it doesnt matter what you say or do her mom will always have something mean to say. Just tell her and just say how happy you are that she's going to be a big sister. Include her and tell her that you're usre she's going to be great with the new baby. She's going to find out eventually, it's better if she finds out in a joyful manner where she's included rather than "Your daddy doesnt love you anymore and decided to have a new baby to replace you ...." or something to that sort. Good luck! ↑ |
| Name: VeggieMom2B | Date: Oct 24th, 2006 12:36 AM |
Thanks moshecathy!!!
Good point!. Glad I am not the only one here that goes threw this :) ↑ |
| Name: VeggieMom2B | Date: Oct 24th, 2006 12:49 AM |
Thanks Jill!! We are also hoping that she will come around!
Unfortunately, San Diego and San Francisco are the only places in USA that have that kind of programs. They are called, "Kids turn" and “Parents turn". It does not mutter who is the better parent at the time but the goal is for everyone to get along for the sake of the children. I highly am recommending it for anybody who is going threw this!!! If you will “google it”, you will defiantly find it!
We took "Parents turn" which is recommended to begin with. Now we are hoping that she (mom), will take PT and then maybe later on, my hubby and her will take "kids turn" together. That is meant only for the biological parents and their kids. ↑ |
| Name: Lin-Ko | Date: Oct 24th, 2006 9:44 PM |
I don't have any advice to give you but I know what you are going through. I have a step daughter and she's 3 and her mom HATES me. And she hates me even more cause I married her ex and her daughter calls me mommy (by her own will, I always refer myself by my name around her) and I'm having a baby.
My husbands work screwed up the paper work for child support and we didn't catch it until recently so she hasn't gotten child support for like a month and a half which I feel bad about but it wasn't our fault. She knows that she'll get a payment as soon as my husband get paid but she is still refusing to let us see their daughter (which is retarded because it shouldn't be about the money, it should be about having a relationship with her parents but yeah) until we can give her all the money at once which is over $600. She knows we don't have that kind of money. I mean, I can't even pay my RENT we are so broke.
I don't even know how I'm going to get to work this week :0(
Sorry, got carried away with my own junk problems there...heh. Do you guys have any kind of court ordered custody or visitation? Because if there is, then legally she can't do that. ↑ |
| Name: lilflower | Date: Oct 25th, 2006 2:47 AM |
VeggieMom2B remember that you are a beautiful person and you have a right to celebrate this important occassion in your life with your husband and your step daughter and that your partners ex cannot take this away from you and has no right to. She has a bad case of the green eyed monster and needs to get over it, but that said you should not not try to engage in conflict with her but is she isn't reasonable you need legal advise. How does your husband feel about this?
I wish you the very best and I agree with jillw's advise. Your step daughter needs to know that she is very much loved and she needs to be a part of this (lets hope her mother bes reasonable).
Dont let this get you down. Enjoy your pregnancy.
My thoughts are with you.
lilflower xoxoxoxoxoxoxo ↑ |
| Name: VeggieMom2B | Date: Oct 25th, 2006 3:46 PM |
Lin-Ko,
I totally understand what you are going threw! The fact that that your stepdaughter calls you mommy by her own choice just proves of how much love you show her, just like in my case. You would think mom would be happy and grateful that her daughter is in good hands, and at list not with someone who is abusing her most precious one, but she does not see it this way. To me that is painful. Be strong! After all if she really liked to keep your husband to herself, then she would not divorce him in first place. That is life. They did not get along and there for they made a choice to divorce. People move on, and if she did not think about when time would come and soon her ex will move on with his life and so needs she. The fact that her and your husbands are sharing a beautiful daughter should not be an issue. The fact that she makes it harder, makes it looks real bad on her part!!!
I know what it is like when all she cares about is the $$$. That to me is very shallow. My husbands ex told our daughter that she quit sending her to dance class because daddy does not give her any money. I was in shock to hear that from a mouth of 6 years old. How low can you get? Technically she cannot do a thing because we do pay child support every month. She just trying to get us in any other way that she can, even if it does not makes sense.
A child should be encouraged by both parents to spend time with one another. It is very obvious that it is not the case from her part. It is ok, We are planning to move closer to her so it will be easier to have her more with us. As of now, all we have her is every 2nd weekend from Sat. morning till Sun. evening. We also have her every week for couple of hours. We have it on the paper that we can have her once a week over night but it is to complicate because we are to far, and she needs to be in school every morning. Things should work better for us when we will move closer.
Does the ex in your case knows about the pregnancy??? ↑ |
| Name: VeggieMom2B | Date: Oct 25th, 2006 4:12 PM |
Thanks lilflower!
What you have said meant a lot to me, I need to hear things to help me feel stronger. It is kind of scary to raise a child you love, knowing they being mentally harmed by their own mother. We want nothing but this child to be happy, and love ALL of her parents. Seeing how she is being manipulated against her dad is making me very sad. You are right, all we can do is showing her lots of love, and are there for her. I feel like she is my own, and I want to protect her so much. It does feels like the mom is like a monster, trying to take that away from us. But we would not let her. My husband is very excited about the pregnancy, and we both feel that our daughter will love the idea as well!!! Both of us decided to act like if there was no ex and she was biologically ours, then we would tell her even sooner. We have decided to tell her this weekend, if everything will go well at the Dr. We will also take her to see an u/s when the baby will get bigger :)
I appreciate all of your support!!! ↑ |
| Name: Lin-Ko | Date: Oct 25th, 2006 6:51 PM |
VeggieMom - Yeah she knows that I'm pregnant. She says that my husband is an idiot to keep this child because he's "not responsible enough to care for his other child" and that by keeping this child, we're proving to her that we don't care about Mekenzie and that we don't "need" Mekenzie anymore becuase we now have a child of our own. How wrong is that???
OMG she pisses me off soooo much! She doesn't understand that by denying Mekenzie the right to see her father, it's going to screw her up in the head!
Oh and btw, they were never married. They had Mekenzie out of wedlock so that makes it even harder cause in Arizona, if you have a child and you aren't married, the father is pretty much screwed. It's REALLY hard to get any kind of custody rights if you were never married. AND to top it all off, everything is our word against hers, and she lies and makes things up and stretches the truth to make herself look good and make us look like deadbeats which is totally off the mark! We do everything that we can for that little girl and because we missed a couple child support payments due to some extreme financial problems makes it even worse.
Ugh...I don't know what to do about this anymore. Everything I've tried has come back to bite me in the butt. I've tried to reason with her and even tried to work with her on things but she's so IMPOSSIBLE!! She (in her own words) is trying to make this as hard as possible so we'll just give up and move on and be out of Mekenzie's life completely. WTF is wrong with this woman??? ↑ |
| Name: VeggieMom2B | Date: Oct 26th, 2006 6:05 AM |
Lin-ko,
I hear and understand your pain. All I can say for your hub and you; be strong and try to stay focused on your child and your future growing family. I know it is not easy. The easiest thing would be if everyone just got along. Like for my little girl, I am sad that yours will go threw this S***t in her life for no reason.
Are you getting some legal advice? I do not know much about Arizona father’s right and child custody :(
Mean while do not give up about the idea that you can all be friends one day. Make it clear to your child that this is your wish as well. I know how important it is for my stepdaughter for all of us to be friends. I see she is trying so hard to make us friends with her mom, and “vises versa”. We are all phony friends around each other for her sake. It is sad that beside the times we are exchanging her she would not communicate about anything to us.
We are not financially secure either, and she is trying to “suck” money from us as much as she can. I know…I can go on and on and on…
Well, we are not alone, and that should maybe give us some comfort…my head hurts, and I need to go to bed soon :) ↑ |
| Name: lilflower | Date: Oct 26th, 2006 7:18 AM |
VeggieMom2B your welcome. Anytime you need support I will be there for you. - lilflower xoxoxoxo
Also best wishes for this weekend. ↑ |
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