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Hey ladies i hope to once again call upon your excellent advice. heres a little back ground on me i'm 24 weeks pregnant and i have been married for a little over 2 years and i'm 21 years old about to be 22, my hubby and i have been fighting like there is no tomorrow. and during one session he told me that we got married to young. and that he wants to be able to expirence the adult single life, (to be able to sleep with who he wants) and expects me to wait for him. He then tells me that i'm a perfect wife and i'm honest and he knows he can trust me. if i was all of that why would he want to risk it? after i told him that i was scared about how our baby girl would be raised he told me that he wanted a clean slate for all the messed up things from the past as far as him cheating and what not. things have been better since then but i just can't get it out of my head that he would say something like that to begin with. do you think it is him just cracking under pressure or do you think i'm doomed? i am looking for any advice good or bad let me have it ladies. ↓
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| Name: christen | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 8:31 PM |
| Name: nicole jones | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 8:38 PM |
| Honestly - things like that don't usually get better. People say things can get worked out, but they really don't. My husband and I have been fighting on and off since we got married. I really really wanted children, and just finally excepted the fact that if he takes off I'll be on my own - but I wanted children just the same, so I went and had the fertility treatment done. Well, he was soooo nice for the last three or four months before the i decided to do the treatment, and I thought he had really changed - but now I am pregnant and he's a jerk again. It get's better for a little bit, but always goes back to the same old thing eventually. I decided from the beginning I wasn't going to leave, ever - but that doesn't mean I'm happy staying. It's just the right thing to do, especially now. ↑ |
| Name: christen | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 8:46 PM |
| yeah i know what your saying. i was just hoping that it is because he is immature and didn't know how to take the pressures of starting a new family. i love him so much and i'm going to stay and just try and try and when and if things don't work out then i will know i did everything right thats all i can do i guess. i was just wanting people like you to tell me somehting about their situation so i can compare. ↑ |
| Name: charla | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 8:59 PM |
| ok christine i can honestly say been there done that . i married when i was 19 and four months later got pregnant my hubby was 21 after my son was bor my hubby started acting very wierd sometimes he wouldnt come home until 7 or 8 the next morning now i look back on things he did and think how stupid was i not to catch on and yes he was cheating on me something i thought he would never do . i if i may say so myself was definatly an upgrade from his past girlfriends!!! anyway i left to stay with my mom in ohio he was in oklahoma i never saw her thank god i dont know what i would have done .anyway long story short he followed me up to ohio and we really worked hard at trying to work things out real hard !!! needless to say 3 kids later we are still married just celabrated our 11th anniversery so things can work out i unfortunitly think he is going through the same selfish fase as my husband did it sucks i know and hopefully your husband will snap out of it soon!!! hang in there i know that its hard especially when you pregnant as i aws with my 2nd when all of this finally went down. god bless and i will be thinking of you. ↑ |
| Name: christen | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 9:32 PM |
| thank you for giving me some hope i was just sitting here thinking aobut the fact that it could just be a phase and if he loves me that will be what matters. i was friends with the women he cheated on me in the past with but thats before we were married so i don't count that anymore. i am a helpless romantic i enjoy going home at the end of the day to see him, and i just hope and pray everything will get better. because if it gets any worse we shall see what my reation would be. thank you again. i hope to be in the same boat as you in 9 years. not the rough ride but still being married to the man you love. thanks ↑ |
| Name: charla | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 9:39 PM |
| your very welcome let me know how things go and if you need someone to talk to i will be more than happy to help. ↑ |
| Name: nicole jones | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 9:39 PM |
| Sorry that I was so negative christen ( I was just re-reading my post).. I guess I should have mentioned that my husband and I have been what we call "married in the eyes of God" for 2 years (we wore commitment rings the first year), but only married for 1. So I don't have any experience on the long term outcome like charla does. I'm hoping that things do eventually turn out like they did for you Charla - my husband is 36 though, not in his 20's anymore... so I don't see him growing up to much more. Maybe I'm wrong though, he was only married to my stepson's mom for a couple months, and hasn't been with her since their son was born. I've been the one taking care of his son during visitation almost his whole life- so he's never really been a dad before. Maybe it will wake him up. ↑ |
| Name: christen | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 9:41 PM |
| thanks i'm just going to keep hoping that nothing else will be said about this or him leaving me thats all i can do i suppose. i just keep in the back of my head that i can do this by myself if i have to and i think i might have scared him when i told him to get his stuff and leave during the fight so hopefully me being strong for like 2 secs will make the difference. if not i will be the mommy and the daddy let him act foolish. ( i would never keep him from his child though) ↑ |
| Name: christen | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 9:44 PM |
| hopefully for your sake it will. thats why i was hoping because my hubby is only going to be 22 that maybe he was looking at his single friends with envy but were in vegas they can get women anywhere but i'm in the military and fi they move us somewhere it won't be the same. the single life isn't no piece of cake or a pinic like he thinks it is. but i don't want him to learn the hard way because i will not wait around forever and i told him that. and i asked for any advice good or bad i expected some to say what you did Nicole but thats ok thats what i need to hear. ↑ |
| Name: charla | Date: Jul 12th, 2006 3:20 AM |
| nichole i think my husband had a wake up call his mother found out she had cancer when he was 17 and went into remisson when he was about 19 then when we brought our oldest home from the hospital she found out she had bone cancer at that point it was only a matter of time and then all of this happened she died not long after and i think he thought long and hard about his life and he straightend up he finally went back to school and set goals for himself i actually saw a complete different person i think as morbid as it might sound his mothers death helped him fly right and do better and love me and his children more . ↑ |
| Name: koz | Date: Jul 12th, 2006 3:32 AM |
| i was pg with our first child at age 21 also. he was my boyfriend on and off for 4 years. we moved in together and had the baby and didn't get married. i moved out with our son and 6 mos later got married. he was also acting like a jerk and immature but once he realized how important his child was he stopped all his immatrue crap(drinking, going out till all hours of the night, leaving work early to go out wihtout telling me,ect) it was rough but just tell him he needs to be serious about your life cuz if he doesn't want the responsibllity tell him you'll do it on your own. Once they see you don't need them, they freak out and shape up.. At least mine did...and now after 7 years of marraige and 4 kids, things are good....hang in there and talk about your feelings honestly! good luck ↑ |
| Name: EthansMom0213 | Date: Jul 12th, 2006 3:09 PM |
Something is definately bothering him, the question is what? I hate to say it but maybe the closer you get to having the baby the more the baby become real. My husband was such a jerk when I was pregnant with my first. When asked what his problem was he said he didn't know. Eventually it came to my attention that he knew what was bothering him he just didn't know why it bothered him so much, sense he was excited to become a dad. Men don't always know how to express themselves. Another thing and I would so hate it to be true and by no way am I saying he did but could he have already cheated on you and now he is feeling bad about it. Because he knows that if he tell you that there is a good chance that you'll leave and he won't be able to see the baby as much as he would if we too where together. Again I so hope for both of you that this isn't true.
You too really need to talk, whether you do it on your own or go and see someone. But if both of you want this marriage to work then the things that are not being said need to be said. Something is truely bothering him and unfortunately for you he's taking whatever fustration he is having with himself out on you. ↑ |
| Name: christen | Date: Jul 12th, 2006 3:42 PM |
| thank you ladies. i am scared now that he might have cheated on me. but i don't understand. he said he wanted a clean slate and for me not to think about what he had said to me like it was a recalled email. and since i agreed to that things have been so much better its not even funny. he smiles more he says he loves me more he kisses my stomach and talks to our little girl. i just don't want this to be an act then him run out on his family but i want to stay together with him if it is all possible. but anytime i bring it up it brings so much tension back but if we are just there for eachother then things seem or appear to be great =) ↑ |
| Name: christen | Date: Jul 12th, 2006 5:28 PM |
| Name: EthansMom0213 | Date: Jul 12th, 2006 8:07 PM |
| I would see if he would be willing to go with you to see someone. Just tell him that you love him and want your marriage to work, but that you think that you two may need help finding a better way to communicate things that are bothering both of you. Don't make it sound as if it's all him since marriage is about the two people it should be about both of you. ↑ |
| Name: christen | Date: Jul 13th, 2006 2:31 PM |
| hey ladies just wanted to let you know that the hubby was saying that he was just feeling way under pressure by me and how emotional i was and his feelings about the baby and all of that. but he apologized and said that he would never leave me and the baby. so for now i'm just letting things go and wanting and hoping things get better and better. ↑ |
| Name: EthansMom0213 | Date: Jul 13th, 2006 2:57 PM |
| As mentioned my husband did the same thing. It's just hard for some guys to express their feelings for whatever reason. Glad to see that he did open up. ↑ |
| Name: mommyagain | Date: Jul 13th, 2006 4:40 PM |
| Its such a shame how men opperate isnt it. You sound like me right now... kinda... Jay has been picking little bitty fights that will escalade into earthquakes and I was talking to his mom and she really needs to be a shrink she is great, anyway, Your husband is exactly correct. It is the pressure. Men just cant handle the pressure. I have chosen to not even gripe and moan about my pregnancy to Jay anymore and it seems to be working. Its like it doesnt matter that its not even happening to him he feels more pressured than me. Men just cant handle it, its that simple. I think it will be ok for you. If not do what makes you happy and whats best for you and your babies. Even if you think being apart is the worst thing, really the worst thing is mom being unhappy. ↑ |
| Name: christen | Date: Jul 13th, 2006 5:33 PM |
| wow i never thought about it that way i thought the worst thing would be doing it a lone but babies really do understand when mommy isn't happy and that would cause a fussy baby too. thanks for putting it into perspective. i trust my hubby and hope things are truly genuine but the fact that i have been hurt before i just keep to myself in the back of my mind i keep telling myself that i'm still independent and could do this on my own if i needed to, because if he is just using me to go to school and get a job later on to leave well then that nice job i just helped him get will help pay for child support. i know its wrong to think like that but i have learned no one truly has your back only you have to watch out for yourself no one else is going to do that for you know matter how much they love or care about you. but i love my hubby i just always prepare for the worst and when that doesn't happen it makes the sweet stuff even sweeter but if something bad happens you are prepared. ↑ |
| Name: charla | Date: Jul 14th, 2006 3:41 AM |
| christen , just checking in on you to see how things are going, i hope you and the pregnancy are going well. ↑ |
| Name: christen | Date: Jul 14th, 2006 3:12 PM |
| everything is going well so far. The baby is kicking and very healthy so that is always a plus. Me and the hubby have been getting along great its better than we have ever i think. hopefully things keep up this way. I love him and if he always acted like he is now oh man i couldn't and wouldn't ask for anything else. ↑ |
| Name: mommyagain | Date: Jul 14th, 2006 3:31 PM |
| That is great Christen, see for me it was a little different. My ex husband had cheated on me so many times and I dint bring it up all the time but the hurt was always there. But when I left he wasnt cheating, he went out a lot but wasnt cheating. I had just lost every bit of love for him. I loved him for being my kids dad but not as a husband. So when I left I knew it was going to be ok. I never even cried. I had been telling him for a long time shape or one day you will come home and your family will be gone but he never stopped the partying and acting like a single guy... so I did it one day I just left. He of course begged and cried but I just stuck to my guns and did what i knew was for the best. Of course I didnt want my kids to be a split up family but I also knew i didnt want them thinking that in 20 years they should just take a man treating them like crap. I knew I wanted better for them. And now of course they miss their dad and it sucks that they do but they can tell you how happy their mom is not fighting with a man or being called names constantly. It was the best thing for me and the girls. Looking back I can almost garuntee that I could have made it worked, he is a much better man now that I am gone. And with the resources we have now on how to understand men, I could have done what you do and just said I know your under pressure so I will be understanding but all I saw was darn it, I am raising this fazmily on my own while you party and instead of understanding and fixing the problom I was just mad. point is it could have worked but I just lost all love for him....YOURS CAN STILL WORK IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT.... GOOD LUCK HUN. ↑ |
| Name: christen | Date: Jul 14th, 2006 3:43 PM |
| THank you so much for that i was sitting there reading that going wow that is me! but i love that man with all my heart i believe we are the best thing to happen to eachother and when we get caught up in stupid stuff hurts both of us not just me or not just him. i want my family and i'm going to fight for it and i think that he sees that i care and am fighting for it, i hope things continue to get better. he seems like a totally different person when we said we will clean the slate and start over. i know that i have been a lot happier which makes me feel good. because i'm a bigger girl around 250lbs theres not much you can say to make me feel good about myself but now i feel like i weigh 150lbs and am the most beautiful girl in the world and that makes me smile. because i know that i'm carrying the most beautiful baby girl. and that makes me feel good. i know the stress is getting to him but i hope when he is there to see his daughter born something will change in him to see that i have given him the best possible gift anyone could give him and money can't buy it either =) i'm just going to keep my chin up no matter what. ↑ |
| Name: EthansMom0213 | Date: Jul 14th, 2006 3:53 PM |
Christen-
I just read what you had posted and it took me back to the day my son was born. My husband also was cracking under pressure with work, going to school and then there was the baby. Just like you I got the raw end of the deal. The day that my son was born I didn't think I could have been any happier then I was already with the birth of my son. But my husband made the night even better but telling me, "He he loved me, was sorry for how he treated me and he thanked me for giving him the best gift ever: his son." ↑ |
| Name: christen | Date: Jul 14th, 2006 4:22 PM |
| Ethan's mom now i think that would make all the hard work all worth it right there to know that your hubby appreciated what you had just given him. It helps to know there is light at the end of the tunnel you gals are great! ↑ |
| Name: mommyagain | Date: Jul 14th, 2006 7:11 PM |
For some reason I was thinking this was your second baby???!!! Now it makes a lot more sence... the first is always the hardest on the men I think. They want the baby I am sure but it scares the heck out of them...I think a lot of them dont quite see it as a beautiful family until the baby is born but us we see it from the day the stick says positive. Its just yet another difference between men and women. My boyfriend now (baby #3 daddy) He is having a lot of dificulty with this too. He is feeling a lot of pressure nad worry but yet at the same time he says it doesnt really feel REAL like its not really a baby till its here. I tried to undestand him and it just gets me mad so I chose a different approach. I cant change his way of thinking. So I just be as stress free as possible for him... in about 6 months he will see that there really is a baby!!
Also Christen I have been reading Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, you should read it. It really is interesting and very educational. ↑ |
| Name: christen | Date: Jul 14th, 2006 7:16 PM |
| thanks mommyagain i think i am going to read up on that. but now i feel so much better these boards gave me the strength to be able to come out and tell him how i felt and deal with the whole situation. i love my hubby and i know he is going to be a great father either way. thanks for all the advice i will keep you all updated as time goes by. i'm due around the end of oct. beginning of nov. ↑ |
| Name: charla | Date: Jul 14th, 2006 8:02 PM |
| christen, im glad to see everything is going well for you!!!! keep your head up and keep on doing what your doing i know it will all be good in the end!!! ↑ |
| Name: christen | Date: Jul 14th, 2006 8:03 PM |
| Thank you as i'm blushing really just smiling to myself my baby is kicking and my hubby just texted me to let me know that he loves me =) ↑ |
| Name: EthansMom0213 | Date: Jul 14th, 2006 8:10 PM |
| I didn't even recieve the text and am smiling. ↑ |
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