I am suppose to take the GRE's again becuase the first time i took them i was in a terrible cycle of bulimia and i flunked them.... now ive been through inpatient and my parents think Im fine ( I live alone) and are presssuring me to take them again
but Im not better im worse then ever, I birnge and purge all my money away... and i stopped trying to work in therapy all together
I hate who i have become and I feel like there is no way out- I would rather be dead then fat.. and would rather be dead then bulimic and homless since eventually i wont be able to pay my bills
I need help but help means FAT and Im so stuck
I want to die- but Im NOt suicidal but this SUCKS big time. ↓
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| Name: nd2shr | Date: Jul 8th, 2006 9:54 AM |
| I would have to say that I pretty much feel the same way about my own situation. When my weight starts to reflect on the way other treat my children, I feel as though I have failed them, because I am not able to sheild them from what others say & do. I get so depressed and feel as though if it is so upsetting to them & me,WHY?????? Can't I take control and change it??? Seems so easy....... ↑ |
| Name: onlyjoshandnicolecanhelp | Date: Jul 22nd, 2006 4:14 AM |
| i feel the same way except i don't binge. i just don't eat and when i do, i then purge. aahhhh! i hate myself and i hate fat. i jusy wanna look like mischa barton or kate bosworth!! they look SOOOOOOOOO fabulous!! ↑ |
| Name: stefany | Date: Jul 26th, 2006 3:33 PM |
| I know what you mean because i am battling the same problem. I hate the way i look and i totally lost the interest in sex ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Jul 26th, 2006 10:46 PM |
| I gave up on my battle to lose weight,it beat me every time. Life's too short to stress about some things and I think losing weight is one of them. Just try and be happy with who you are,people who know you love you no matter what you weigh. Just about everyone we meet could stand to lose a few pounds,(some more than others),so we should just accept the fact that none of us are perfect and try to be happy with ourselves as we are. ↑ |
| Name: Pianophillic | Date: Jul 28th, 2006 2:13 AM |
lizzy- that is how i ratnioalize with myself .. the problemis even if i eat something small.. im not afraid of gaining 3 pounds.. im scared ill gain 100 all at once... so I am terrified to stop this cycle... and this cycle for most of us, is out of control, but yoiu are right, in this cycle, there are no winner... the ED will always kick my ass...
And now, i hate who i have become and I feel Ive been stupfied- i dont think well, perform well, im so tired... i keep thinking, there is no way I can survivie not ONE more purge.... and then i do time and time again. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Jul 28th, 2006 6:50 PM |
| To pianophillic, believe me,you won't gain 100 lbs. all at once,it's NOT going to happen! Weight gain is something that happens over time,a long time. I packed on alot of weight and when I started dieting,i had to realize myself that i didn't get this big overnight and that the weight had gradually piled on over a matter of years so therefore it was going to take time to lose it as well. But thats the hard part,it's so hard to lose! ↑ |
| Name: davina | Date: Jul 29th, 2006 1:52 AM |
| hello....i know how u feel!....but one thing u said that u r wrong about is the "help means fat" thing....that isnt necessarily true....think about the things you eat when u binge and purge...all junk right? yea.....u eat all the bad things u want just because u know u r gonna throw them up......why not try just watching what u eat and eat healthy?....like i said i know how u feel and its easier said than done, but what i do is i only eat like once or twice a day and what i eat is only healthy...like salad, or fruit or low calorie snacks, its a start.....no one can help you but yourself! i learned that a long time ago! doctors, medicine, pressure from family may all work for a while but in the end its all YOU! ↑ |
| Name: davina | Date: Jul 29th, 2006 1:56 AM |
| Bulimia makes you feel like a prisoner in your own body....you convince yourself that u have to purge....then after u do u feel guilty that u did it!....that creates all kinds of emotions, some u may never have ever felt before...its very strange.....but at the same time u have this false sense of being in control that alternates with feeling completely out of control...its a vicious cycle ↑ |
| Name: LivinWithED | Date: Jul 31st, 2006 4:33 AM |
| Hey, i know what you mean. I too am bulimic and it takes all my money to keep up with my disorder, however, Davina is right. Help doesn't mean fat. I'm sure you've heard the phrase "you are what you eat" I like to think that if i eat fruits and vegetables and only healthy stuff i can't get fat, i'll get healthy, which is my untimate goal. Maybe you could try this, tape up pictures of healthy, fit people on your refridgerator. NOT skinny people like mischa barton and kate bosworth, but athletes. It may help modivate you to get healthy. Hey it may even modivate you to get out and run or exercise. ↑ |
| Name: Pianophillic | Date: Aug 1st, 2006 6:05 AM |
to all who replied- thank you so much fore replying...
I feel so alone... and it feels so good to have someone reply...
LivinWithED and davina- you are both right about eating healthy and that the power to recover has to come from me...
how were you able to to go from purging all the time to eating a small meal... when I eat a small one i feel like I ate one bite too much and then I purge- and youre right, its like aprisoner in your body., and the picture idea is great... im going to try to do that, its hard since most people in magazines are very thin....
I keep repeating to myself that its better to be healthy smart and happy and enegric even if it means being 10 pounds over weight... then underweight and literally hating yourself... isolating from family and friends and being exhuasted... but then I eat and freak out- it is such a cycle...
and Lizzy you are right about that it takes time to put on weight... my thing is I did inpateint one time and I gained 30 pounds in 2 months from water mostly.. and some in fat since my metabolism was shot.. but once i got out and went back to my life.. all that weight freaked me out so much.. and ive sinced lost it all but now stuck in my most horrinble bulimia cycle ive ever been in.,.. which is why im terrified to even make a change becuase what if I gain all that weight again?
when I had all that weight...I could think, concentrate and run a lot... but all that mattered was i felt so fat and i hated myself then... I feel like either way I hate myself and sometimes I feel like Im allowing myself to stay bulimic so Ill either die or someone can help me get better.. but in the end YOU need to change YOU.... no one else can force you.. its so scary...
and all logic doesnt matter to you...
eating a healthy meal still seems scary
but again- those picture ideas are great
and thanks guys: ) ↑ |
| Name: ang | Date: Aug 9th, 2006 5:18 AM |
| I think I know what you're going through. I often cry every night cause I hate the feeling of loss of control I often have. There are times that I dont eat at all, then the next minute I'm stuffing my face, then purging, and promising myself I wont be out of control the next day, and it starts all over again. maybe we can work together on it? ↑ |
| Name: Pianophillic | Date: Aug 10th, 2006 1:54 PM |
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