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Hey is Lanaya again..I have decided to move back to Raleigh, where my heart truly belongs and of course my scholarship...which no matter which way I look at it, I just can't give it up...it's too good of an offer. I feel like it would be good for all of us. We have to start learning to make our way as a new family, with out people giving Sebby and Gabe these horrid looks of pitty and expecially with out my mothers interferance. When I told my mother, she was furious and called me several names but in a round about way told me I was being selfish to her and my dad and of course the boys but I really believe since they are only four they arn't really going to remember this place anyway. The only thing that is worth staying is one of my most cherished childhood friends, Robbie is here and he is seriously fighting me against this and everytime he mensions it, my heart stings because I believe that he is the only man I honestly ever really loved. We just click, we always have but of course all the forces in the universe had to get together to scew up and well its just not possible for him to move with us...obligations to his family. But I just can't stay here - people here know me as Lanaya, John and Meg's girl - the girl who was a dance finatic, lived in her dreams, loved swim team and town trouble maker and that's just the way they think of me and they can't see me as anything else. Almost like time stood still here for 5 years while I traveled with my aunt all over and no one can just open their eyes and see the me who I have worked hard to be. So it's time to go and it's hard. Lately I find myself thinking how much easier it would have been if Lainey had just given my parents custody. Maybe then there could be a me and Robbie but then I stop myself, it's not fair to them for me to think that. I love them but was I crazy to believe that I could be a mother? I'm 19 and I had a plan. I wasn't supposed to have kids for another couple of years, if I even wanted kids - I've never thought of myself as the having the kid type. But when it comes down to it I just don't want to have resentment toward them later for not being able to have the life I was supposed to have - with the parties, hanging with my girlfriends, a few one night stands, late night study sessions.. I worry about if things are going to be okay. But then I see Sebastian or Gabriel smile, and my heart completely melts. And I know they deserve a mother who will be a mother to them and not just a grandmother, trying to have the son's she never had and I suppose that it's supposed to be me - at least according to Lainey ((But she had 2 older sisters to choose from - why me?)) I don't think I will get the answer to that for a while lol)) **Deep Breaths**..I think Hope has gotten alot harder to find these days or maybe I'm just not looking in the right places ..Sorry for unloading all of this, just sorta needed a place where I could - Thx.. Lanaya Alizabeth ↓
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