|
|
|
|
| Name: dmt | Date: Aug 15th, 2007 1:45 PM |
| Hi, Who does she live with and who has weekend visitation? I am assuming she lives with the mother during the week just because, that is the way it usually goes. I am sure she is not attracted to her father. Does sound like she might be having some difficulties with the divorce and her father have another woman in his life. She is probably already feels like she has just lost her father. Now he has a girlfriend and she might be scared that you are gonna take what time she has or take him away all together. He probably needs to sit his daughter down and let her know that no matter what he will always be her father and be there for her and he will always love her. He needs to assure her that nobody will take ever take her place. I don't know you might already be doing this but, you and your boyfriend might on the weekends when you have her go out of your way to do special family time with her. ex. go to the park and take a picnic and play some frisbee or something. You could probably help by arranging some of these outings and let her help you get things ready. This might help her feel less threatened if she knows that you want her there to. I wouldn't say anything to her this is something she is gonna have to deal with. If you say something to her she might become more threatened and things might get worse. I think if you do these things I think over time she will realize she is not gonna lose her father to you and she will ease up in time. It might take a while so be patient she is a child. If you have been together about a year and things still haven't gotten any better you and your boyfriend might want to discuss letting her talk to a therapist to deal with her feelings from the divorce. I think your right her going in the bathroom while he is in the shower is not appropriate. Most people let their kids come in the bathroom with them when they are little. There comes a time that it is not appropriate anymore. Sounds like he might not have even thought about it and forgot to set the cut off. It is very good that you brought a stop to that. She is probably trying to kiss him all the time because, she wants to know he still loves her. Maybe he should start telling her he loves her more often and then maybe she won't be so needy for that kind of attention. I am no expert but, it sounds to me like that might be what is going on. I wish you the best of luck. If you ever need to talk some more you can email me at [email protected] Love, Michelle Michelle ↑ |
| Name: Lillian | Date: Aug 15th, 2007 5:50 PM |
| Hi Michelle, thank you so much for your reply... it was very heartfelt and insightful. Here's a little more insight... he & I spend every night together (although we are not officially living together); we have her every other weekend and a few days during the week; its basically a 50/50 split. He & her mother divorced when she was 3 (mother initiated). He had a girlfriend for 9 years (met her when his daughter was 4) that did not want to be a step mom or ever marry and only saw him when his daughter was not around. Since I've been in their life both have told me that I've shown her more love & affection in 4 months than the ex girlfriend in 9 years. I've also met the mom and she & I get along fairly well. When he and I have her we dedicated that time to whatever she wants to do (i.e. from going to the beach, to swimming in the pool, bowling, dining out, the part, the zoo, etc). Her father has also told her time and time again that he loves her and that no one will ever take her place as she will always be his little girl. He has also told her that there is not need to compete with me for his affection as she will always be his little girl. I think you bring up a good point about it taking time, because when I think about there history... it has only been the two of them and she has had him all to herself as the ex-girlfriend was rarely around (only during special occasions). Please know that he does tell her that he loves her all the time, but the more you tell her you love her and the more affection you display to her the needier (if that's a word) she gets. I've suggested a therapist and he seemed to be open to it, but hasn't taken any action. Hopefully over time things will dissipate. Time will tell... Thank again for your reply. It has really calmed me down quite a bit. Bless you... Love and light, Lillian ↑ |
| Name: dmt | Date: Aug 15th, 2007 8:54 PM |
| Hi, Well that makes sense the two of you have not been together that long. She has had 9 years that she has not had to share him. She is now going through some of the feelings most kids usually experience right after the divorce. Her mother has probably been openly dating for a long time and has had time to except it and become okay with it. His lasts girlfriend was almost like he didn't have one. In light of what you have told me I think there are two things at play. One she is jealous of you because, she has never had to share and she is probably scared she is gonna lose her daddies time to you. Sounds like the two of you are doing a good job handling it. I think over time it will go away on its on. The only thing that I would be careful of though is giving to much. As I said earlier making her know that the two of you want to do things with her and let her know that she the two of you want her to be a part of your life is good. Be careful though at the age she is at though if she figures out that acting out will get her lots of stuff she might act out more because, she knows it will get her things. Maybe you should take her places but, not all the time but, of course spend time with her. You have to find a way so that she knows that you want her to be a part of your lives and always will. At the same time not go overboard and spoil her. Sorry I know its hard its a fine line. Anyway I wish you the best and hope that some of this has been helpful. It will be okay you just have to give her time. She is probably really scared right now. She probably feels her security is threatened. Best of luck to you. Love, Michelle ↑ |
