|
I used to enjoy sex and never had any problems at all but after two children I just can't be bothered and I try to avoid it whenever I can. My husband understands but he does get fed up sometimes. We only do it about once a month. It's just boring and takes up too much time. Has anyone else experienced this and what do I do? ↓
|
|
| Name: J | Date: Apr 8th, 2006 1:51 AM |
| Do you take the pill? Maybe your libido is affected by that. ↑ |
| Name: dee43701 | Date: Apr 8th, 2006 2:32 AM |
thank goodness its not just me. when me and my husband met i was 17 and he was 18 we didn't have sex for almost 1 year after we started dating and then i always wanted to. then i had my daughter and it went down a little but not much as soon as i got preg. for my son have not been interested since i have been to alot of doctors because i had a lot of problems after haveing my son and they all said i was depressed and gave me pills they did not work. so 2 and a half years later i think i am figuring it out i am not sure if this will help you but we started date night we can only do it once in a while but it has helped a little bit those 2 or three hours we have with no kids no phones makes us start to get in the mood i think it is stress people deal with stress in different ways and i think that one is mine and it might be yours try to have a movie night just the 2 of you g out to eat or something to help bring you back to each other it might help
it is worth a try ↑ |
| Name: Kris | Date: Apr 8th, 2006 2:33 AM |
| I dont know about you but my sexual relatiotionship is very important. I am pregnant with my second....due in June, and im sure having 2 kids can make it a little hard to find the time to be alone together, but I think it is still importnant to have a phisical relationship w/ your lover. If I were you, I would change your attitude about sex.... ↑ |
| Name: Kris | Date: Apr 8th, 2006 2:35 AM |
| sorry....that sounded rude. I didnt mean change your attitude....maybe experment a little more, try new positions, toys ect........maybe that will help. ↑ |
| Name: no sex | Date: Apr 8th, 2006 11:08 AM |
| No I'm not on the pill or any other medication. I just think. Oh I haven't got time for this and can't relax or anything. ↑ |
| Name: to no sex | Date: Apr 8th, 2006 4:01 PM |
Been there!
You're normal. Happens after kids. As long as husband understands don't worry. This too will pass. Way too much emphasis is placed on sex act. Snuggling and being loving is just as important. The sex will follow when things settle down for you and are less tired. Just keep telling him how you feel. It's not him, it's you etc. It will come back in time! ↑ |
| Name: skelley | Date: Apr 8th, 2006 6:36 PM |
| I suggest you read the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of husbands" If you want a wonderful marraige and family. Most men go into the marraige thinking they are going to have a sex life. You have to nip this problem in the bud if your going to save your marriage. I have five children and often don't feel like having sex but like cooking supper my husband expects it and he has a right to do so. Most married men and women do! We women just don't need it as often, but sex to a man is like conversation to a women! Imagine if he didn't talk to you but once a month. How long could you take it? How long would you stay around? ↑ |
| Name: Paula | Date: Apr 9th, 2006 9:13 AM |
It's not a matter of "what do I do", it is a matter of "what do we do".
Lack of sex in a marriage is almost always a symptom of something else going wrong in the marriage. We women intuitively know when something is not right, and losing sexual interest is one of the ways we respond to such things. When we are not being respected in other areas of our marriages, we know we are not being respected in the most intimate area of our marriages. I recommend looking earnestly in our marriages to solve the real problem, not find a cure for the symptom. For until we tackle the real problem, the symptom will always pop up.
It takes awhile for the men to learn that sex is a 24 hour 7 day a week thing, and more often then not has nothing to do with being physical, lol. Some men never learn this, which is unfortunate for their wives, their marriages, and as a result unfortunate for their children and themselves.
Sex, for men, is primarily a physical activity. Sex, for women, is primarily a mental/emotional activity.
The following bit is a generalization, and does not apply to all men. But society has allowed men to be raised with this type of thinking, so I think most men, unless they ascribe to some sort of spiritual accountability, have fallen victim to the following line of thinking.
I think society has marketed sex and ultimately cursed us women with men who think along these lines.
We women need to be wooed. Men will do anything to get us in bed before we marry, it's amazing how hard they will work to attain this goal. But then once marriage happens, they think it's supposed to be a given that they just 'get it'. As a result they no longer court us, they don't work on maintanance even half as hard. Then when the results of their inaction shows up in the bedroom, they wonder what the heck happened. They think that sex stops after marriage because us women think that now that we 'trapped them', we no longer have a need to 'put out'.
But what they don't realize is
1) men who actually think this are not that great of a prize that we would have a desire to 'trap them' . This is why a lot of men who end up divorced have heard the words "You're not that great of a prize yourself you know!" lol
2) they are the ones who in actuality make sex stop because now that they 'trapped' us, they think that they no longer have to court us and respect us as women should be respected, 24/7, that sex is an activity that should just be given to them, and we should enjoy it in the same manner they do. As something purely physical and seperate from our emotions. Men who cheat are a perfect example of this line of thinking. They often say that the infidelity "meant nothing, it was just sex". They don't see how the fact that they seperate sex from the expression of love has damaged the intimacy in their marriage in the first place. Women do not desire being used as objects for another person's selfish gratification. It is damaging to us and we know it.
I've told my husband that he wouldn't think twice of driving a car cold after not using it for days in the dead of winter. He will go out and warm the engine up now and then, keep it maintained if he expects it to run proper for him. So why should he expect me to 'drive' on a 'cold start' after ignoring my engine for a few days? He looked at me oddly, but he got the picture. Fortunately.
We women wear the Mom/maid/chauffer/office manager hat for days. The men in our lives need to woo us as women daily, and give us breaks from our other tasks, if they want us to appreciate their um, 'masculinaty'.
And our society hasn't helped much in this area at all. Sex has become objectified. And it is no longer good enough that we women are objectified now by our partners, but we are being encouraged to objectify our husbands now too. We are being told to 'put the spice back into our sex lives' with new positions, toys, etc. Find ways to make it feel good for ourselves again, when what we need is not seperate selfish satisfaction, but mutual selfgiving.
What is lacking is mutual respect and a desire to express our love for each other. If our husband respected us as women, and desired to express their love for us, they would woo us. And if we respected our husband, and desired to express our love for them, we would not have trouble responding to their courtship.
Zig Zigler wrote a great book "Courtship after Marriage". I recommend it.
I would not advise trying to heal an unhealthy situation in a marriage with more of what is causing it's illness. ↑ |
| Name: dee43701 | Date: Apr 9th, 2006 7:43 PM |
| this is not a marriage problem nobody said i don't want sex now that i am maried we all said sex drive went down after kids and i respect my hubby and he respects me tht is not an issue on my table. we love each other and he tries everything flowers romance spotananity and yes i have done it when i don;t realy want to just because he was so sweet about it but anyway i think you are wrong and it is just something that happens to some women after kids and some women don't go thru it if you have never went thru it you realy don't understand ↑ |
| Name: Tracy | Date: Apr 12th, 2006 4:43 AM |
| I agree with you, Paula...I am in those shoes and walking that awful walk...I know exactly what you are saying...exactly, unfortunately... ↑ |
| Name: terri | Date: Apr 14th, 2006 5:04 AM |
| Yes am in exactly the same boat! Just to tired and cant be bothered! ↑ |
| Name: no sex | Date: Apr 14th, 2006 11:31 AM |
It does become boring after a while I think. My husband suggests giving me a massage but I can't even be bothered with that either. I keep thinking that "oh I'm going to have to have sex after this" and I can't relax again.
I have had a lot of stress for a long time. Perhaps that's the problem. ↑ |
| Name: Ellen | Date: Apr 14th, 2006 3:22 PM |
| I know how you feel. It feels like an obligation. Sometimes I ask my hubby for a massage and right away wants to turn it into sex. Theres other ways to be affectionate with out having sex. Sometimes you just want some affection and it if you say I don't feel like sex they think your cheating or don't like them any more. Men sometimes don't understand that kids can take your energy. I am 24, how old are you? if you don't mind me asking.How dose your hunny feel about this? ↑ |
| Name: no sex | Date: Apr 14th, 2006 9:18 PM |
I'm 36 and have two children. They are active and looking after them and the house takes up most of my energy.
I just have no sex drive anymore. I've never been like this in my whole life. It's horrible. My husband gets tired too. He's 45. He does get fed up with the lack of sex but he's very nice about it and we just muddle along. We can't afford a sitter for the kids so we can go out. It's just kids, kids, kids, 24/7. At least my husband goes out to work. I'm climbing the walls. I can't work until my youngest starts school as I have no childcare during the week. I do the odd nursing shift at the weekend to bring in some money.
I'm sorry for moaning. I feel that even if I give my husband a kiss then I feel obliged to have sex so now I don't hug or kiss him. I just keep myself to myself and I'm so ashamed because I love him so much and we get along really well. ↑ |
| Name: Ellen | Date: Apr 17th, 2006 3:00 AM |
| have you tried getting help? Sometimes the sex drive just goes but, other times talking about it or seeking other methods help. I guess it all depends on the money and how important it is to you. I feel like this because I feel like I don't get a brake and my life seems to be the same routine. ↑ |
| Name: Jenna | Date: Apr 17th, 2006 6:22 AM |
| Id say start having sex before hubby strays! ↑ |
| Name: A matter of trust | Date: Apr 17th, 2006 4:44 PM |
Being tired from caring for kids all the time does have an effect.
However sexual boredom comes from putting too much emphasis on the physical pleasure part of the sexual relationship. When we, as couples, realize that sex is not primarily about physical pleasure, or even the step further, it is not primarily about physical and emotional pleasure only either, but also about connecting spiritually in a very unique way that is only possible in a marital commitment, then it boredom never enters the picture.
Such a spiritual connection can only come in a truly committed marital relationship. Which means, if you and your spouse split, for whatever reason, you will never ever consider dating another person, or kissing another person. That this is it for all earthly time until your spouse has died. How many people are in real marriages? Many people today cannot even conceive of such a commitment, yet this is the vow we speak when we marry. So either we do not know that which we have undertaken, or we have lied. Until we know we have the assurance that even if we split, our spouse is committed to not even KISS another woman, then our sex life will always suffer, always fall short, even if we do not recognize or acknowledge it, it will always fall short. For only in a truly committed relationship can we have a truly extraordinary sexual relationship that goes way beyond the reach of boredom.
But we never hear of such concepts, and when we do, we mock them as being old fashioned and unreasonable. Yet we suffer for dismissing it and not striving for such relationships, and then wonder why our sex lives suffer, and our marriages break up. When in fact, our sex lives never came near where they were supposed to be, and our marriages never even started.
True love can only be experienced when the Creator of Love is brought into our relationships. Anything less is a mock facsimilie that will always fall short.
Couples who have included their Creator in their completely committed marital relationship, experience real love that can only come from the Original Lover. When real love participates in the sexual relationship, extraordinary sex happens, and boredom never enters the picture, because now sex is beyond being just physical, or emotional.
Anyone who is finding their sex life a chore, or boring cannot honestly say they have invited the Creator into their bedroom.
It is very true that inviting the Creator into our bedrooms is an extremely intimate act, it can be a very scary thing to do, you feel exposed like you were standing naked in a public space. But it is only in being open to such an intense intimacy that we can really be able to enjoy sex the way it was meant to be. It is only in a truly committed relationship as mentioned above that we can allow ourselves to be so very vulnerable. It is only in the ultimate vulnerability that we can experience such intense pleasure on all senses and in all our humaness: physical, emotional, spiritual, mental.
It's a matter of trust. A level of trust which we are constantly told that we are not to give to anyone. But without it, the truth is our marriages fail.
True intimacy can only come when our whole selves is given to the other. True intimacy can only come when we acknowledge that we are created by the Original Lover, and it is only when we allow the Original Lover, that which has created love, to come in and participate that we will experience fully how sex should be.
Until we discover and apply this truth, our sex lives will always eventually fall short, and we will grow bored.
Our preferences for dealing with such things tend to be:
We will either accept it as something we just have to 'settle for',
or leave our partners with the excuse that we have just "fallen out of love' or 'no longer love each other' when in truth we never really truly let love grow out of our originaly chemical attraction, (for love is a choice, not something that happens or disappears),
or we will search for ways to 'liven' up our sex life using other means.
But until we allow the source of real love into our lives, we will never be fully satisfied, and deep down, we all know this. ↑ |
| Name: Ivonne | Date: Apr 17th, 2006 10:17 PM |
| I know how you feel...I just had a baby and I do not feel like having sex at all. I just do not feel attractive. I gained excess weight and I am embarrassed to show my husband. I guess it just takes time. what I have been doing is buying cute nighties and doing my nails/toes and that helps me feel better about sex. ↑ |
| Name: Stephanie | Date: Apr 18th, 2006 8:00 PM |
| I have the same problem! My daughter is 3 months old and I am on depo shot (birth control) I never want sex and I know its wrong but I pretend to want it to make my husband happy. I have NEVER had an orgasm and I am thinking about seeing a doctor because I never want sex and shouldnt I have already had an orgasm by now? I'm 20 years old by the way. ↑ |
| Name: anonymous | Date: Apr 18th, 2006 10:49 PM |
| Stephanie, if it will help you little, I didn't an orgasm until 33. At 33, I had it on my own (without a partner), and since then can have it only on my own. I would rather have it with someone, but I'm taking it as the second best. It's NOT the main thing in the relationship, what's the point of having orgasms if you have problems in other areas. I'd rather have a great soul-to -soul relationship than coinciding orgasm. ↑ |
| Name: It's about hormones | Date: Apr 19th, 2006 4:22 PM |
Birth Control that uses hormones to prevent ovulation, like the Pill, the DepoShot, the patch, the vaginal ring, and even some IUDs which use hormones too, all will have a negative effect on your sex drive. It's one of the more minor of the many negative side effects listed on the huge pamphlet of teeny tiny print that is required to come with birth control. It's always a good idea to read such pamphlets so you know what you are doing to your body and how it affects your life.
I guess it helps the birth control effectiveness rate when we are having less sex directly because of it. ↑ |
| Name: to stephanie | Date: Apr 19th, 2006 8:18 PM |
| i am 22 and have a 1 month old, married for 4 years, 1 partner.. I never had an orgasm until we got a vibrating bullet, (much smaller than vibrator, not designed for entry just clit stimulation) still I have never had one without the toy, your not alone, pretty depressing though isn't it? ↑ |
| Name: Melissa | Date: Apr 20th, 2006 5:40 AM |
| don't feel bad about the orgasms girls. only 30% of women get orgasms from penitration. majority of women get their orgasms from clitoris stimulation. ( learned this from Talk Sex with Sue Johanson) i thought there was something wrong with me until i saw this on her show. ↑ |
| Name: Stephanie | Date: Apr 20th, 2006 9:10 PM |
| Now how fair is that?! Guys get off easy they have a bunch of ways to achieve orgasm but women...only one way! ↑ |
| Name: no sex | Date: Apr 20th, 2006 9:44 PM |
I made the effort and had sex yesterday morning. It was nice and I felt okay about it.
:-) ↑ |
| Name: I don't understand | Date: Apr 20th, 2006 10:05 PM |
??? Stephanie?
Guys have only one way too.
Maybe if guys took a pill that stifled their sex drive, they'd have just as much trouble as women seem to do. ↑ |
| Name: Melissa | Date: Apr 21st, 2006 5:23 AM |
| what is even worse is that guys are basiclly guarenteed an orgasm every time they have sex. that is the unfair part. i think since it is so easy for them to get off they should be the ones who have to go through the pain of child birth!!! lol ↑ |
| Name: Anaca | Date: May 3rd, 2006 3:14 AM |
| I LOOOOOVE SEX, IM SO HORNY AL THE TIME DURING THIS PREGNACY, IM THAT HORNY THINKING ABOUT IT THAT IM GOING TO GRAB MY HUSBAND THE 2ND HE WALKS IN, AND PUT A DVD ON FOR OUR KIDS AND HAVE A QUICKIE!! ↑ |
| Name: To Anaca | Date: May 5th, 2006 2:02 AM |
| wtg girl good for you,hope it was good for you! ↑ |
| Name: L | Date: May 5th, 2006 12:18 PM |
| what about the guy when he never wants sex. Im not the most sexual person on earth But my husband take high blood presure pills and he never wants sex. Im sick of this. I get depressed because I dont have a physical relationship with him. I have thoughts of a afair. so ladies you better fix the problem or you could loose you marrage ↑ |
| Name: Lynne n | Date: May 5th, 2006 9:09 PM |
| Hi girls i feel the same,my other half works 55 hours a week and is on call most weekends so i am pretty much at home with my little boy all the time,needless to say that we are both really tierd all of the time and cant be bothered!!!! ↑ |
|
|
