I have not had a single day alone since my son was born. I have had a few days away from the kids, maybe less than ten, probably closer to five. And those days were spent in the cab of our truck reading a book at one of my husband's car races and then only getting out to film his laps. I think that the races are just about as boring as you can get. I have had my haircut 1 time in 3 years. I used to love to go to the movies but I haven't seen a movie since 2005. My husband says that I can "plan" to go out whenever..but then he follows up that statement by telling me how busy he is and if has to watch the kids then he won't be able to pay this or that on time cause it will screw up his whole week. He goes to his races and meets for pleasure but he is justified by the fact that that is how he meets clients to make money, which is true. It just happens to be an added bonus that he LOVES it and all of his buddies are there too. We ARE broke so how can I argue??? If I get a day off I don't have anyway of generating cash...i would just spend it, quite possibly on the haircut and movie i mentioned earlier. Then if I did get over the guilt of taking off for an afternoon even if I didn't spend any money and just went to the library or beach (I just want quiet really) I would still be costing us money that w don't have by him not being able to work. But I'm just so....god awful frustrated, the kids scream all day happy or sad its just so loud all the time. If I try to just get a minute alone to take a shower or something there always seems to be some kind of catastrophe while I'm in there then I get yelled at for "hiding".
I just want to go to sleep for like a month or four. I dream about going to a motel 6 just sleeping and sleeping.
I'm so sad that I can't take ANY joy in my kids cause I'm just so sick of them, and I feel so guilty for being so sick of them. But I swear sometimes I feel like I'm being attacked and terrorized by mutant rat monkeys from hell. All I do is make food and clean messes and say "no". We do try all sorts of activities and we play outside but not five minutes goes by and someone is either having a tantrum or doing something to get into timeout. Nothing out of the ordinary behavior really for a 1 1/2 yo and a 3 yo happens its just a constant stream of little things, little messes that they have been told not to make, or little tantrums, little bits of whining, little things they have been told 1000 not to do, but it all adds up to a point where I just have had enough and I am usually screaming by the end of everyday... I feel like the biggest failure because I wake up with all the good intentions almost every morning. I try to start it with a good attitude, I make breakfast, after we play with the play dough or candy land or something, we go outside everyday before nap. They both take good naps everyday, I will say that. Maybe its that they are too well rested, but if they didn't take a nap everyday I just wouldn't make it through to bedtime.
I don't spank them all that often...only when they try something they could get hurt doing or have been told 1000 times. Oh god I do think about beating them into submission like my parents did to me ( i would NEVER do it )and I'm a hateful awful bitch for thinking about it but ...my god...getting attacked by mutant rat monkeys can be way trying at times. LOL. I do end up yelling and screaming though and I have a potty mouth to boot...i know i know it doesn't work and is really just as bad as physical abuse but by that point I'm using it as a pressure relief so not to hit them. I just have no other outlet and am not "allowed" to go find one..I'm not able to take a break cause there is no one else to watch them...I'm not even "allowed" to go to the gym, so I just keep getting fatter and slower and they keep getting faster and stronger. By "allowed" I mean the same scenario as I mentioned earlier happens when I try to "plan" a time to go out.
I just want to be alone for awhile. More than just an afternoon. I want to go away till I want to come home again...I know I can't do this but oh God I wish I could. And what if I never felt like coming back? Or worse everything got better while I'm gone and they don't want me back?
Okay so bring on the hater club and tell me how much of a selfish shit I'm being. ↓
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| Name: bmes | Date: Feb 23rd, 2009 5:35 AM |
lmfao!!! sorry. but this sounds like one of MY rants. ha ha
i totally know how you feel. the constant tantrums. it doesn't take more than 5 minutes until ONE of the kids is screaming bloody fkin' MURDER because the other took a toy from them THAT THEY WEREN'T EVEN PLAYING WITH IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!!! holy mother of F$%$##$%$#% lol...yeah i feel your pain.
one thing that is sooooo important is to get out there and make the extra effort to find what's available in your community. there so much free stuff (or almost free)for kids to do that i didn't even KNOW existed. now i'm going to have to find all new things for them to do all over again since we moved to a different town....BUT for example, in the town i lived in before, we had a rec center and everyday between 1-2 you could drop off your kids for an hour for ONE DOLLAR!!! that's it just ONE DOLLAR!!!! and i could go bugger off somewhere...go do my grocery shopping in peace....or just go for a drive. whatever. and i just found out that in the new town we just moved to they have free skating lessons for kids 3-5 years old. so Anika can do that maybe next winter. and apparently i've heard that they have other activites that are FREE for kids here too. i just drop em off for an hour or two and get some time to myself.
anyways. my point is, there ARE things out there. you just gotta do a little research and digging. you just need some space that's all.
don't feel bad about it. i think we've ALL been there, where it's like "OMFG!!!!! if you don't be quiet i'm going to throw you out the window!!!!!" lol....but it's up to you to do something about it. you don't NEED your hubby to be there so you can take a break...although i'd say he should be able to pitch in a little more. but whatever. just fkin' do it without his help. screw it!!! that's what i found out. my hubby would always tell me "if you want to go do something JUST TELL ME!!" but something would ALWAYS come up, and then I realized i didn't need his damn help. lol...
anywyas. hang in there and good luck!! :-) ↑ |
| Name: cherisalorraine | Date: Feb 23rd, 2009 3:42 PM |
| You poor dear. Depression is a terrible thing to deal with. It is much worse when it comes from every angle. I know that you are really feeling down but one thing I found when I was feeling that was that if I went to the park with my kids I would meet other parents and Grandparents who were there and I have developed some very decent friendships from those trips and after a while would go hang out with them with my kids and it really is a break to have more adults there to all help keep and eye out. And you never know you may find your break in a friend who understands how you feel and would be willing to watch them for an afternoon while you bury your head in the sand. I do suggest making it a point to have social interaction with people outside of your home to help relieve your stress. ↑ |
| Name: VonDoomsMom | Date: Feb 24th, 2009 5:58 PM |
It isn't just the total lack of ANY personal time...its that I don't get even a little credit for anything I do either. There is ALWAYS something that didn't get done, mostly paperwork for his business, and I'm not as on top of the bills as I should be (I tried to keep up with them, but WE HAVE NO MONEY to pay them and looking at them everyday and knowing that today we have however many bills due that we can't pay was giving me so much anxiety that I couldn't take it anymore. I used to have a juggling act with the bills that would put anything in Ringling Bros. to shame but since the kids came I just CAN'T concentrate on them long enough to get organized again....I am behind on everything now. Maybe it is my fault for not managing my time better. But everyday seems as full as it can get and I feel like a big ass failure every night.
I get up every morning at 6 or 6:30 breakfast, activities, a little oswald and Lazy town and its the kids naptime before i know it and then I clean up from the morning's activities and try to get some office work done for the hour that they are asleep. Then its lunch and entertaining them till dinner. I make dinner feed everyone then we take baths and its bedtime after I get them down I CLEAN and mop the house to get ready for tomorrow. When we do it ALL over again. I don't usually get to bed until 11 or 12 and I read in bed before i fall asleep. I get yelled at for reading...if I am awake I should be working. I have shin splints and plantar fasciaitis, which means by the end of the day I can barely walk. I will sit down on the couch and wish I could get up without pain and sometimes just crawl to bed instead of trying to stand up and walk there. I don't get any ANY ANNNNY kind of compensation.. I don't get any gifts on any holiday or my birthday, I don't get to really even celebrate any holidays or birthdays they are just regular days. I don't have a car, I can use the work truck to go to the grocery store but if I want to go somewhere "unnecessary" it is either being used or going to be used soon. I never even got a wedding or a ring we just went to courthouse and signed the papers...he said we would do the ceremony in Ohio(where we are from) but that never happened and never will its been 15 years now.
This situation is all my fault too...I got myself into it and besides death there is no way out. I don't have any real skills. I can only make about $8-$10 and hour without any benefits so if I left then my kids would suffer.
Then there is that...if he threatens to leave us...like he did today I completely go to pieces because we can't make it without him. If I threaten to leave he says "Go. You need me I don't need you." No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, or how hard I work, i get NOTHING not even appreciated.
PLEASE DON"T TELL ME TO GO TO THE DOCTOR. Although thats probably exactly where I need to go and just get something numb me up really good so I don't realize that I don't matter, but if I do then we won't be able to afford food or pay the mortgage since there is no insurance either anymore. We don't qualify for assistance of any kind. ↑ |
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