| Name: R. | Date: Oct 7th, 2009 3:36 AM |
Here is a solution:
I was the horrible step child. The reason why was, that I was hurt and did not know how to make that feeling/ emotional pain go away.
I wanted to feel special too like the kind of special that the new wife/girlfriend was getting. I wanted to have lunch with just my parent alone. I wanted to feel that I was more important than the new spouse. I lost my sense of belonging in the family.
Just show love with not being threatened by allowing someone who needs it more tohave a sense of a higher rank in the family. By rank I do not mean to make the decisions or be bossy, but to feel an empowerment of trust with their own parent first that they will always be there for them. From this the love will grow to the other partner, and if true love is not present than a respect for who they are.
Step parenting is like a rubber band. When a child pulls ( pulls for extra love) don't pull back, even if they are holding the rubber band wrong, just let them pull. Because if the step parent/parent pull back the band will snap, and it is almost impossible to tie rubber bands back together and create the same strength.
To this day 30 years after the divorce, I am still upset. I do not talk to one parent, and miss them awful. But now pride is the name for my adult hurt, that holds me back from reaching out to be loved, because I am afriad of losing that parent again. Plus the bridges that we burn are sometimes not repairable, and if they are it is too uncomfortable to walk across. ↑ |
| Name: Ron | Date: Dec 12th, 2009 3:55 AM |
| I am a stepfather. My 12 year old step daughter is headstrong, but my wife and I stay united. Once in a while, she needs to see one of us wrong. Sometimes I disagree with her mother just to let them prove me right. After a few months, she started siding with me once in a while when she knew her mother was the one that was wrong. She still oversteps her bounds from time to time and assumes that I will let it go, but I remain consistent. I still swing a wooden paddle (never in anger) and we all go to church together. The best thing I ever did was let her have a cell phone and make sure she knew that it is mine to give and take. That solves many arguments. However, if your spouse is not willing to stand with you 100% then you need to renegotiate your arrangement or be willing to swallow your pride. There is no healer like the power of prayer. God blesses you for loving them unconditionally, like he loves us. ↑ |
| Name: poke | Date: Dec 14th, 2009 5:51 PM |
| Kids hate step parants. That's all there is to that. You have to be the grown up and brush all of it off. The more she knows it gets to you the more she's going to do it. She don't want you with her dad, She wants her dad to herself and she's going to try to get that. She gets a kick out of you two fighting. So stop it and take that away from her. Let dad do the punishing and if he don't do what you want then brush it off. If he starts fighting with you over her then walk away and say your sorry whether it's your fault or not. Let them two fight without you being in the middle of it. Bottom line. take away her power. ↑ |
| Name: gotta be kidding me | Date: Dec 29th, 2009 10:51 PM |
| You people are nuts. Yes, it's hard. But you all knew it was a package deal when you got into it. We are the adults, they are the children. They come first. Period. Kids always play parents against each other, step or not. If you aren't fit to be a parent then you should not have married someone with kids. They aren't something you put up with, you cannot love the parent without loving the child, the child is part of them. I am a stepdaughter, stepsister, and a stepmother. Love builds a family, not hate. Can't anyone see that when kids act out like this they are hurting? Try to help them instead of treating them like they are unwanted. It's tough to be the 'ex's kids'. ↑ |
| Name: kaiya | Date: Jan 19th, 2010 7:59 AM |
| my sis (16) is bad too. my mom took her in when things couldent get worse, and my sis hates her for it. everything that bitch says is a lie, and its come to the point that she hit my mom.I NEED ADVICE! ↑ |
| Name: kaiya | Date: Jan 19th, 2010 8:02 AM |
| my sis (16) slapped my mom. i dont want more violence.HELP! ↑ |
| Name: kaiya | Date: Jan 19th, 2010 8:08 AM |
| i like what R. said. THANK YOU! ↑ |
| Name: kaiya | Date: Jan 19th, 2010 8:16 AM |
| Gotta be kidding me? YOU gotta be kidding me! that may be true, but when it comes to blowes, thats not asseptable. that bitch is ruining the family my parents have worked so hard to pull together.i HATE my step sis! ↑ |
| Name: kaiya | Date: Jan 19th, 2010 8:19 AM |
| counselling doesnt help! ↑ |
| Name: rev | Date: Jan 29th, 2010 2:24 AM |
| so sorry, iwent through all that and passive agressive behavior. took sd 15 years to brak us up. they always had secrets. she would not come to the house if I was there. invited dad to graduation of course i was not. invited dad to wedding i was not. he did not attend her out of state wedding. I said so you will be agrand father but i will not be a grandmom. thats insane. within ayear and a half we divorced i never had an unkind word to say to her although i said plenty to her father i feel like she finally got her way and i do feel sorry for her new hubby. i wonder how she will get along with new mother in law? i have afeeling she will just take her son away from that relatioship. she takes no prisoners thank and can you relate? ↑ |
| Name: Solutions | Date: Feb 23rd, 2010 5:06 PM |
| Ok i am a stepmother to 3 Beautiful Girls! But the oldest one hates me and disrespects me calls me names! that stoped when she turned 18 and i told her to grow up and act like an adult and my husband her dad told her that that was enough. so finnally after 3 years of disrespect i have some peace but i feel like we will never be close but i understand i came from a devorced family i have a step mom so i know how she feels the middle child she reminds me of me! shes funny and knows what shes about she gives me hope! the youngest one makes up stories everytime she comes over she says i make her uncomfortable the last lie broke my husband and i up for 2 days but then he realized that she wasnt telling whole truth because he was there when i "made her uncomfortable" but she told her mom that it was just me and her the sad part is i thought we were finally getting along that we had made a connection i dont think i can trust her anymore and that makes me sad! I thought i would be this great step mom because i knew what not to do! because i had been through it i treated them like how i wish i was treated im not here to take their moms place i know my place but i dont know what else to do but let things go the wa they will for all those that are out there facing a stepdaughter listen and listen well we as women are a crafty bunch we will do anyhing to get what we want if they dont want you there they are going to play games the thing is you cant play you have to always tell the truth dont be a tattle tell because thats going to make you look like the bad guy let your husband see for himself and he will if you dont let her get the best of you he has to realize you guys are a team and it will all come together! dont yell dont argue it sounds stupid but let them do what they do your only job while they are fighting against you is to make sure they dont get hurt dont let them do anything dangerous but dont fight over letting them eat candy before dinner! everyone situation is different but this so far is the only thing that has kept me and my husband close and sane! ↑ |
| Name: Lory L | Date: Mar 8th, 2010 3:17 AM |
| Hello does anyone have any advice for me, my daughter moved in with her ex-step mom her half brothers mom, due to doing horrible at school and is out of control, so i agree, shes going to strict school uniformed, but i dont want her to have full custody only temparaily, i dont want anything to come back and bite me in the ass. So what kind of attorney do I need ↑ |
| Name: david | Date: Apr 14th, 2010 11:57 PM |
| I got involved on the rebound with a mother who was desperate,i thought iwas saving them from an awful situation of poverty and dysfunction,i felt huge concern and selfishly wanted to be needed in retrospect.in the end i truly did all i could including bringing up a little girl who was the unwanted child of the eldest girl,we were devoted to eachother and again i loved her so much it was no sacrifice to spend time with such a loving selfless little person.her mother got together with the drug dealing absent father who was jelous of my relationship with my little friend,i dont see Bear anymore. ↑ |
| Name: random | Date: Apr 22nd, 2010 12:15 AM |
| am a 17 year old girl and i have a step mother...all people out there only sympathasize step mothers..why the hell cant anyone undrstnd wat we feel...i hate her i hate my father's so called wife..not because she doesnt l0ve me or i don like her as a person but because she tries to replace my mother..as if u guys dont know wat a mother is?? how can i tolerate a person dat wants my familyy my dad..the man who was closest to my mother..forget her...she keeps sayng dat she l0ves me more than my mother nd why do i get her into everythnggeveryday..butt why cantt she understnd..she is UNBEARABLE! my dad l0ves sum1 else the way he used to l0ve my mom...even if she died..how can he get sum1 else in her place,,andd how the hell can he xpct me to like her.. ??! u all are step motherss but no offnce..guyss its just like stealngg sum1 else's l0ve...its unfair not only for u but even f0r ure step children...do thnkk aboutt then at times...consider their feelngs as imprtnt.. ! ↑ |
| Name: sandra | Date: May 6th, 2010 1:51 AM |
| Im in a stepchild situation as well and over the years ive come to the conclusion that some kids are just plain nasty My stepdaughter is very demanding and knows exactly what buttons to push with her dad she is one of 5 of our kids 3 which came with me and two that came with him one big happy family 2 girls and three boys i have a 28 year old daughter and 25 year old son as well as a 23 year old son he has a 27 year old son and a 25 year old daughter weve been together for 15 years both our spouses are deceased and my husband and i love eachother deeply we do not allow them ever to stand between us two for long. Be strong stand your ground you have good reason to feel like exploding cause they will try anything to cause conflict. In our situation his daughter is the problem for everyone she cant get along with anyone she thinks shes better than the rest of the others even till this day.They are all suppose to be mature adults..But all the other kids in her eyes are just not as special as she is. She does not know how much of a fool she looks like when she acts out.Im amazed at her actions.I can honestly say i've never seen anyone act this way before .She has manipuled people to getting what she wants out of pitty. She knows that when she mentions her dead mother that it works they will bend to what ever she wants.I know that sounds mean to say that but i'm convinced she uses it only as an advantage to manipulate.She hates her own brother because he's not up to her standards and she has caused a son and father to not get along .Her father gives her all kinds of support and so do i and if there's a no involved somewhere she tells her father she hates him and gives him a real poor me i dont have my mom story and breaks him down with that story till "no" becomes" yes".I tell you that girl is evil she turns on absolutely everyone We sent her off to univercity and been model parents to her and she will turn on us or anyone if she cant get her own way.She became a RN and she has been a graduate for one year She tells Doctors how to do their job .She complains to everyone how she is the best worker and she's as bold as can be.No respect.So i guess what i'm trying to say is .If they're nasty to you you don't have to put up with it .And you do not have to like them just because they belong to your husband .Let him deal with them he'll soon realize who the bad guy is .And then he'll start wanting your help to deal with them.That's when he will finally back you up.And if your step child is good to you love them like your own cause obviously they think alot of you.My stepson has always been polite and kind and thankful for treating him like a person and i love him alot.I feel bad for him having such an evil sister.The other 4 kids all get along well and treat eachother with respect.They tolerate the (evil one) but only out of respect for us their parents. She is going to be a very lonely person if she doesnt change her attitude . ↑ |
| Name: lucy | Date: May 8th, 2010 1:55 PM |
Your husband is the problem.
http://ourplace.forumsmotion.com/ ↑ |
| Name: Barjo | Date: May 30th, 2010 3:05 AM |
| I have a saying-"I used to be nice and then I had stepkids." ↑ |
| Name: Pinky | Date: Jun 4th, 2010 8:46 PM |
| I have a problem with my stepdaughter,she moved to my house because her mom just passed away but she bring her mom's ashes to my house and im not comfortable with that,wat m gonna do? ↑ |
| Name: angie | Date: Jun 5th, 2010 10:36 PM |
| I feel the same way. Its like his whole family feels bad for her because her mom and dad arent together...but where do i get put in to the picture,. me and her father sense then have had a child together, and i just cant help but notice his family doesnt treat her the same, i will never trust anything she says either, i take care of her more then anyone, yet she still hates me, and whispers behind my back how mean i am. i dont know what to do anymore, i dont want her around my child or me ↑ |
| Name: ilovegummybears49609 | Date: Jul 31st, 2010 6:14 PM |
| Once I made a chart that had all these gummy bears on it for my neice, who loves gummy bears. I gave it to her the other day and then she said thanks and all that like polite kids. Then I came over to my sister's house the other day and the poster was in the garbage. I didn't tell anyone. Then I grabbed it out of the trash, an turned it over. It was ALL RED. I got mad and never trust her agian. ↑ |
| Name: Sherry | Date: Oct 5th, 2010 2:18 AM |
| This may or may not help you, but I am a 43 year old woman who still feels the pain of the divorce of my parents that happened when I was 14. Sometimes you just have to decide to be the adult in the situation and see that her behaviour stems from pain. Maybe she needs counselling...did she get any when her parents split? What people tend to forget is that, yes, it is very painful for everyone involved when couples split up, when marriages end, especially when there are children involved, but the absolute most important thing that you can do for this girl is to remember, every day, that her parents went on to meet other people, most likely people who made them happier than their spouses did, and their life got better, they healed, time went on and they are in a new relationship, but for the children of divorce, there is no better tomorrow...it doesn't matter if mom and dad eventually meet the person of their dreams, their soul mate....their world, as they knew it, ended when their parents separated, and the fact that her father and you are happy together does nothing to fix that hurt. I'm sure that this young lady has not idea why she does the things that she does...she is damaged, and like it or not, the man in your life played a part in that damage. It's up to you and her father, and her mother and significant other if there is one, to help her to begin to heal....to acknowledge that she has been damaged, and not deny it so that there is no feeling of guilt in what happened. I consider myself to be a fairly normal, mentally healthy person, but if I think about and recall those days when my dad left, the pain is the same...a child's innocence and feeling that home is where it's safe and okay, goes away when there is divorce and upheaval in what they've always known to be. This won't change overnight. You can win this girl over by understanding her, even when it's so hard to do so. There is a saying that when people behave in a way that makes you want to hit them, it's then that they most need a hug! I'm sure if you love her father and care about this girl, you'll learn to find ways to not focus so much on what she's doing and saying, but what it means, and find a way into her heart by loving her unconditionally...something that we all want. ↑ |
| Name: mark | Date: Oct 9th, 2010 2:24 PM |
| hi , i have two 13 year old stepdaughters that i have raised since they were 4 and there real dad gets them once a month or sometimes every other weekend and it really hurts my feelings after 8 years they wont call me dad . we have a great rellationship cause i claim them as my own but now its getting harder to take them calling me by my first name any suggestions anybody ↑ |
| Name: Sherry | Date: Oct 11th, 2010 2:59 AM |
| This is in response to Mark's question about how to deal with his step-daughters not calling him "Dad". I don't know if you've ever talked to them about how you feel, or told them that you would like them to call you "Dad", but they may not have any idea that you want that. They could be feeling like they would like to call you that but are unsure of how to approach the subject with you. It could also be that they do see and love you as a father figure but they are struggling with their own emotions in terms of feeling like they would be betraying their biological dad by doing so. Why not just sit down with them and tell them how you feel and ask them how they would feel about it...you know, grown-up like. Maybe you guys could come up with a different name other than "Dad" that would have special meaning to the 3 of you. I know that Ashton Kutcher is called MOD by Demi Moore's daughters..it stands for My Other Dad. You could come up with a similar name that would be special. Give it a try and see how it works out. I'm sure you can come to some kind of arrangement that will make you all feel more comfortable with the situation. Good luck! ↑ |
| Name: Sherry | Date: Oct 11th, 2010 4:12 AM |
| Pinky, in response to your note about your step-daughter bringing her mom's ashes into your house....I am 43 years old and my mom died suddenly last October. It was devastating. I cannot even imagine how it must be for a young girl to lose her mother. I am sure that you want to do what is best for her at a time like this. If it bothers you having the ashes in the house, why not give it a bit of time, let her get settled in your home, and then sit down with her as a friend and ask her what she'd like to do with them....would she like to put them somewhere special like spread them at the beach, or bury them somewhere that has meaning to them....make it seem as if you just assume she'll want to do something else with them and that you want to help her. If she thinks that you are freaked out having them in your home it will only hurt her and put a barrier between you that I'm sure you don't want to have. She must be heartbroken and the best thing you can do now is be the friend that she needs...it's only ashes....the mother's soul is not in the urn. No worries, you won't be haunted because a heartbroken daughter still needs to have her mom's ashes with her. I am still struggling with having to do something with my mom's ashes and it's been a year. She'll do something when she's ready and you will be really a great human being if you allow her this time to heal and come to a decision on her own, maybe with your caring guidance. Good luck. ↑ |
| Name: claire keith | Date: Oct 18th, 2010 8:14 AM |
| my husband listens in hiding when ever i am talking to his da4 years old daughter. he tells me what she should wear and tells me that i pick on her when ever i try to correct her. it depresses me and i don't feel like talking to him about it. i have resorted in not medling in anything that involves her. Am i wrong? what can i do about it? ↑ |
| Name: Amy | Date: Nov 23rd, 2010 8:53 PM |
| I once upon a time thought I was alone. I am amazed that I am not. My stepdaughter lives with me, and acts similarly with the difference that she is 26. You end up feeling like the bad guy or the person that is tearing them apart, when all you are trying to do is run a household and make him happy. Its like they geopardize all your efforts and no matter what, you are good for the work and the help you provide, but don't deserve anything in return. She has litterally had my husband packing his things and leaving with her and her baby.. three times. The last time he went with her I told him I wanted a divorce... in an effort to "face my fears". At this point, y ou must face your fears.. do you want to live this all your life? Its horrible.. its like walking on eggshells in your house all the time, where you can't make the rules because they don't apply... I truly understand you (honestly) this is torture. Eventually there will be an incident where you'll have to provide an ultimatum.. either you send her to her mom or you guys break up.. your sanity must come first. ↑ |
| Name: JoAnn | Date: Nov 28th, 2010 11:19 PM |
| It sounds like she is playing both ends against the middle. She probably resents you replacing her Mother. You need to do more one on one things with her. Take just her out for the day, and go shopping or something that you both like to do, also eat out. You need to establish a relationship with her and get her to trust you. Also, praise, praise, and more praise. You can never give a child more praise. Also, you and your husband need a night out together, just the two of you, because if you nuture your relationship, it can be a gift for the children. Don't argue in front of her, because she will feed on that, and just side with her Dad. Talk privately about the rules, but let him be the one to handle the behavior problems. You are there for her, as a Mentor, don't try to replace her Mother. Good Luck ↑ |
| Name: anonymous | Date: Jan 23rd, 2011 6:38 PM |
| Dont feel bad just keep your cool. I am going through the same thing. I take care of my stepdaughter more than her mother and father also. It's been almost five years and we seemed to be doing really good than at time she lies and does things to get her dad mad at me. I started to feel as if it were personal but its not. I even feel at times that packing my bags is the answer IT's NOT! I think my stepdaughter just needs a punching bag and I'm it. The anger is not towards me it's the dissapointment with her parents. If I were you I would just stand back and let her dad deal and keep your head up. ↑ |
| Name: personal | Date: Jan 23rd, 2011 7:51 PM |
| Think about it Jesus had a step father and that was Joseph. I will admitt at times I think we take things to personal. If you think about it how many times have your own children looked you in the face and said mean things like, I HATE YOU!, YOU DONT LOVE ME!, or the famous eye roll that young girls love to do or the slamming of the door the list goes on. The truth is kids can be just mean and they know how to push your buttons and play their games it's a part of growing up and I'm sure that we ourselves have done the same things to our own parents. When I say we are taking things to personal means we think when our stepchildren are doing these things it's all about us. The problem is insecurity we dont share the same blood as them so when they say something hurtful we take it to heart. On the other hand our own children that we share the same blood with can scream at the top of their lungs I HATE YOU! it may hurt but we get over it quick cause they are ours. I've been through all of it I have a blended family with a daughter my husband and I share a son, and he has a son and a daughter himself. Its been almost five years since we have all been togather. I have done lots of soul searching my stepson is a cake walk, but my stepdaughter has done anything and everything you could imagen to hurt me taking it to the next level of crulness each time she pulls something. I have cried, screamed, yelled and at times packed a overnight bag and went somewhere for the night. She has played her mother, aunt, father, grandmother, and friends all aginst each other over the years and seems like she always has to have a least one person to hate or shes not happy. Over the years she has had her really great moments of taking my side, and sticking up for me. I have spent a heck of alot of time with her I never leave her out of anything no matter how bad shes been or made me feel. We have had some really great times and she has said plenty of nice things to me even saying how much she loves me. She tells me everything and I mean everything even writing me a letter saying how much she loves me. Not until a year or so did I realize that I need to take away the friend card and start being the step parent even telling on her for things that she should not be doing. I was almost to the point in just throwing in the towel and just walking out the door and never look back. As I was about to do that I realized something. I'm taking all this to personal and felt sorry that i did not see this before so here is what I REALIZED please liten to what I am saying this will change everything. 1. Stop taking things so personal. 2. Just because you dont share the same blood doesnt mean you have to get worked up everytime the child acts out towards you. 3. Remember your own children can potintionaly treat you the same way. 4. Be cool dont play into every little thing remember your an adult and their are children. 5. Stop being insecure, and when I say this it means do your best, hold your head up stop trying to see if it is you and only you the child doesnt like. 6. Acting out means reaction dont react to the acting out or even make a big deal or discuss it with your other half, doing this olny make thing worse. 7.Ignore the small stuff remember kids are emotional beings and are not sure how to deal with things. 8. Remember that no matter the circumstances you signed up for the roll as a stepparent and giving up or treating them the same way as they treat you is not the answer, and think about it nomatter what you own children do you would never give up on them. 9. Get over youself! Their is only so much control you can have and being a step parent doesnt mean that you just jump in and mold them as you would with your own children the mold has already been set in by their own parents and their is nothing you can do to change that. 10.These are children were talking about we are the adults and no matter what they say or do we have to stop taking it personal and start realizing they didnt ask for the life that has been givin to them and the fact that their parents got a divorce really sucks. The hardest part for me has been that no matter what I do or how much time I spend trying I will never be the kids real mother and in so many ways I have just wanted to be loved just as they do their own mother. So the outcome of all of this is I will just love and pray that each day gets better and love just as Jesus did. When times get hard and I start feeling like the kid hates me I just have to turn my cheek not stress the small stuff and show the child that I love them and that I'm not going to give up on them no matter what they do and if it turns out that I will never get that love in return I know that God has seen my doings and he will not forget me. ↑ |
| Name: Emma | Date: Feb 6th, 2011 9:21 PM |
I'm the daughter of divorced parents. I can't really go into it, but my parent's was one of the few cases where the Mom was responsible. She'd had an affair, even tried to hit him. He has primary custody of us kids.
My Dad started dating soon after he got divorced, but a couple months ago was the first time we met a girlfriend. Her name was Shelly and she was really nice and eager to please. If she'd just been a friend of my Dad, I would have taken right to her. But I didn't.
Part of me was jealous. I was a total Daddy's girl, and the oldest child of three. The divorce had really bonded me to my Dad. Many other girls I know bonded closely to one parent. It's one of those do-or-die things I've noticed... you do it or are left in the dust, alone. When my Dad introduced us, my first thought was 'is she taking my Daddy from me?'
Obviously, this wasn't her intention. She's wonderful, and with a little effort I can overlook the fact that Dad has a little less time to spend with us. Sometimes it hits me badly, like when I have to sit in the very back of the car so she could sit up front with him.
I think that might be your problem. Sorry I had to ramble, but it's kinda complicated.
The other thing that comes to mind is the idea that you're trying to replace her mother. Are you doing things that might make her think you are? Just talking to her might help. Make sure she knows. ↑ |
| Name: someonewhocares | Date: Feb 7th, 2011 2:03 AM |
| my 14 year old daughter think her boyfriend has to be at our house every single day, and if not shes rude and hateful, I think or know she having sex with her 17 year old boyfriend, should i let her boyfriend come every single day ↑ |
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