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I have a sixteen year old son who is on the road to nowhere, fast. He hates going to school, and I have just discovered that he is going to fail Grade 11. As if this isn't bad enough, he has been hanging out with a really bad crowd. He is out all night long, despite groundings, curfews, and all sorts of punishments that we can think of throwing at him. He refuses to talk with his father at all, and will only speak to me in one word sentences. He has already been arrested for underage drinking and breaking into a neighbor's car. My son is on the pathway to self-destruction, and I feel helpless. Any suggestions from those who are in the same boat? ↓
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| Name: Rachel | Date: Jun 13th, 2005 8:08 PM |
| Erica, don't give up hope. Your son is just going through some issues right now which is perfectly normal for teenagers. Trust in God and He will help you find the way. Take your son to church and let him discover the Bible. It helped me out immensly when I was going through some troubled times and I know it can help him. God Bless. ↑ |
| Name: Penny | Date: Jul 3rd, 2005 1:17 PM |
| Your description could be my son. He went from a highly motivated middle school boy into a high schooler with no direction. Like you I'd love to hear from people who have made it and how they got from here to there. ↑ |
| Name: k | Date: Jul 13th, 2005 8:06 PM |
RACHEL:
forcing the bible on someone NEVER works ↑ |
| Name: Natali | Date: Aug 7th, 2005 7:26 PM |
| You people do not know what you are talking bowt.....obviously something has affected him in the past which is making him blow up....a family berevemeant for example...the only thing that works for these kids are to let them get on with it and hope for the best.....or fork out a lot of money gettin their arses put into gear by sendin them somewhere....stop giving im money....if need be throw im out the house...it seems harsh but he needs growing up...firstly find out whats making him go off the rails...the root of all behaviour comes from the parents. ↑ |
| Name: Debbie | Date: Nov 6th, 2005 12:31 AM |
| Hi Erica, I hope you are still checking the replys, since the last posting was back in August. My heat goes out to you, my husband and I are in the same situation. I have a 16 year old son, 11th grade, who is redoing 10th and still failing all his classes. Why? He just isn't trying. Then when it is too late to catch up he becomes depressed. He has been suffering from depression for a year. He also has a great interest in smoking weed, drinking, has stolen my husband car, verbally abuses etc. We've called the police on him a view times, this is when he has become out of control, like stealing the truck, and making threats. He is alway sorry after, and make all kinds of promises. I could write a book. We also have set many punishments, nothing works. We have had our son in counseling for several years. We just recently made a change to a new counseling center which in addition to counseling offers teen group classes for substance abuse and anger management control. As parents we have done and are doing what we can. We continue to find new avenues of help, and support. My son and I have alway been very close. He knows how to kiss up to me, and how to verbally abuse me. I have taken a big step back, this is so hard to do. My son will blame me for his failures. Well I'm not holding his hand well he smokes that joint, or pouring that drink down him. He is making his own decisions. It is my turn to take back control of my life, my son has to learn to be responsible for his bad decisions and needs to grow up. He will do so the hard way. We will be there to offer the support and guidance he needs. About the only punishment we can make which takes some effect on him is to take away his computer. We need to keep a balance so we still allow him to socialize. We set curfews and he has been respecting this - which I find suprising. He's also been talked to by the school police officer, who has told several young men about walking the fine line they are walking and the possiblity of ending up in Children Villiage which is a childrens jail. We want to keep our son out of there and trust me it is the last place he wants to go to. So he fails school, it was his choice, he will have to work and pay for his classes. So what ever age he reaches that goal has been his choice. I have to stop blaming myself. We have given him all the consequences, now he must lean and grow up. Maybe look for group teen counseling for your son. It's sort of like a alcoholic, they have to know they have a problem and want help. My son has admitted he will seek help because he knows the next step could be childrens village. He's not happy about counseling, it's not easy for anyone, but I feel in the end it may help. We are just starting the group classes, so I will keep you posted as to how they work. ↑ |
| Name: Debbie | Date: Nov 6th, 2005 12:51 AM |
| Sorry Erica, I sure you figured it out, my last reply is my heart goes out to you. I had heat. ↑ |
| Name: Amanda | Date: Nov 11th, 2005 7:44 PM |
| You have to keep telling him tha you love him and no matter what you will always love him.Tell him if he does better you will start rewarding him and tell him that he is going to get older and want a loving wife but he want have that chance if he dont be careful,and she will not want some one that has been in a lot of freakin trouble from now till then. ↑ |
| Name: annemarie | Date: Nov 21st, 2005 12:18 PM |
i used to be like this myself , i did it because my mum and dad worked long hours and i felt that they never had time for me. i have a younger and older sister and i always felt that they got more attention than myself.
half the time i did things that were bad i did it becuase i wanted to look HARD in front of my mates. i was hanging around with the wrong crowd. i felt as thought it didnt matter what i did because my mum and dad wouldnt take notice of me, so i would get worse just to get thier attention.
i never liked to talk to my parents either as i was mad that they did not give me enough attention, although they did not know that this was the reason i wasnt talking to them they felt that i was doing it to upset and be a pain in the ass if you like.
if any of this is helpful then please reply and let me know, im only 17 myself but i can relate to what you are saying. ↑ |
| Name: Miccah Lewis | Date: Nov 28th, 2005 7:55 AM |
| i am 14 years old, and i kno you dont think i can help him at all... but i think i can... before i even turned 14 i was madly in love with a boy named dennis, dennis was a bad boy, who knew how to have fun. dennis and i started to bond, like alot more than normal 13 year olds, i was in the 8th grade, and he was in the 7th, so i decided i was in love with this boy, so im going to fail for him. so i did, we both started getting arrested, and he got into trouble for stealing his aunts car to come and pick me up. my mom eventually found out whenever i started comeing home every morning around 3 with the cops... dennis and i eventually broke up, and he got with a girl named morgan and got her pregnate, then soon afterwards got back with me, and we started our trouble spree all over again... i kno now that all of this broke my moms heart, and dispite her groundings and cerfews i also did what i wanted, eventually dennis got sent off. it broke my hears more than anyone i could imagine... i decided after loosing the only person i thought cared about me, i would change so that i wouldent end up like that. im doing so much better. no more police problems, dennis is back and doing wonderful, morgan lost her baby, and dennis admitted that he wasnt ready to be a father, and my mom is alot happier... maybe your son will louse something important to him to make him want to change, before it is to late. i wish you the best ↑ |
| Name: Nicole | Date: Nov 29th, 2005 2:57 AM |
| Hi Erica. I happen to see your message and just wanted to tell you that there are schools that can help. I work for a teen interventions transport. You can look at our website www.helpingteens.com you might be able to get some advise on how to start looking at schools that could help your son. You can email me at [email protected] ↑ |
| Name: zara | Date: Dec 3rd, 2005 3:46 PM |
| Name: Kat | Date: Dec 14th, 2005 11:39 PM |
| I have a daughter, younger, but like your son. The best thing to do is to talk and love. Your son probably just wants his own life, but the truth is hes not on his own yet. You should monitor him and possible look through his room, you know, to find stuff. Try to understand your son more and possible he will understand you more as well ↑ |
| Name: Iris | Date: Dec 25th, 2005 6:08 AM |
| I would have to belive Rachel on the same thing.When i was younger, my older brother was sort of like that, that was before we had started church.When we had bearly started,they were telling him the truth about whats making him do all of that,we showed him that movie called The Passion Of The Crist,Is an example of what Jesus has gone through to save us from the Devil,but the BIBLE says he had sufferd more than what had happen in that movie,Just take him to church,have your faith in God.pray to God every nigh, he will answer your prayer,he has answered all of mine,and I'm only 16 in less than 5 months, God has change my life alot.I was already close to start doing that king of thing but God Stopped me before he would take away all my chances and take life,But to tell you the devil will try to make you suffer,thats why he is doing that to you and to him,just ask god for help and streghth ↑ |
| Name: amy | Date: Jan 2nd, 2006 10:55 PM |
| a teenage rooms getting redone ↑ |
| Name: Rhiannon | Date: Jan 9th, 2006 8:35 PM |
| I know of people like your son and i think that he should get a counseller or someone who can help him with his problems is there any reason for why he is like this. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzy | Date: Jan 10th, 2006 7:10 PM |
| Hi Erica I have a 16 year old daughter I understand your frustrationa and consern my daughter doesnt care about her grades either and goes to school to socialize she also failing her grade and the school want to boot her out and put her on homeschool they think this will help her with her grades honestley dont see her graduating she lives in a fantasy world and thinks her whole life is about what she is going to wear how her hair and makeup looks and who is going to go out with this week no matter what I say or talk to her about to do better she is not listening does any one have any Ideas what would work . ↑ |
| Name: lizzy | Date: Jan 10th, 2006 7:22 PM |
| Iris I am so proud of you I have tried taking my daughter to this new church its called the assembley of God we love it there but on sundays its always a fight to get her to go and I dont feel that she is even listening to anything there saying she is busy checking out wich boy is cute do you have any advise lol Liz ↑ |
| Name: Gail | Date: Jan 15th, 2006 2:01 AM |
| just pray I have about the same problem with my 16 yr old son , but my ex-husband is turning him against me and his step father and providing him with alcohol and a place to party ↑ |
| Name: em j | Date: Jan 15th, 2006 5:31 PM |
i`m not on the same boat.but i know what your going through.
its hard.but hes a teen and all he is thinking about is,"she doesnt trust me shes treating me lke a child,she doesnt understand and im cool so im not going to explain it."
look your a mum not a friend.your just nagging him in his eyes not helping him.
you need to think show him something that he might turn into.
talk to him but as a mate not a nagging mum.tell him the damage of drinking and how bad it is to steal.
when he was a small baby you and his father was his hero.
but now hes older your just there to make his life hell in his eyes.
tell him that you are here to help and tell him storys of how he looked up to you when he was little.
if that doesnt work,im sorry to say but if it gets worse you will need perfesanal help. ↑ |
| Name: ricky | Date: Jan 16th, 2006 2:17 AM |
| do you want speak to me ↑ |
| Name: Alicia | Date: Jan 27th, 2006 10:21 PM |
I'm only 14 years old and you might feel I don't know anything, you might completly ignore this, but what you decide is your decision. Coming from someone whos been there, I was going down the same path your son is exept I think I might have been a little worse. My parents had split my mom was a recovering acholic an I was in alateen. The reason I ventured off into drugs, achole, sex, and the wrong crouds is because I never fitted in. My parents where always on my case about something, I was never good enough for my dad, people always used me because I was a nice person. I was so desperate for attention and to make the pain go away I would have doin anything and I did. My mom tried so hard to make me better, your broken, your hurt, you need help and after watching one of my best friends almost die of a drug over dose I new I did. But I didn't want my mom to be the one to help me. So she sent me to therapy.Letme tell you that doesn't work, most of them people have there big college degrees pointing there noises down at you and judgeing you. All that made me want to do is role my eyes and go in there high every day and I did, till they realized it just wasnt working. All that ment was I had more time to do drugs and find the warming arms of an older man an when I say older I mean much older like in his twentys. Ok I know your probally like whats your point you psyco little girl.
All im sayin is i've been there done that bought the t-shirt and even thought about going back. I think your son is trying to be exepted and even though deep down he knows its wrong, it doesn't matter because he thinks it's fun even though he doesn't see the effect this will have on his life, he just hasn't hit rock bottom and want to chang. Telling you from experience theres nothing you can do exept let him hit rock bottom, don't bail him out. I know as his parents you want to catch him when he falls, but if you bail him out the whole time he'll think he can do what ever he wants to and will get away with it. Basically he will till the problem gets to big for you to fix. So next time he gets arrested for underage drinken tell them hey keep him, will pick him up in about three days. When he gets out he's most likely ganna be pretty upset with you, but hey I bet he'll think twice about drinking or at least getting caught. Its a hard case of tough love, but theres one other thing I can think of that you might want to try. Get someone to talk to him, im not talking about a therapist or an older adult, Im talking about a teenager whos been there who suffers every day because of the decisions they made in the past, while they thought they where just having fun. I know personally if a really hot guy or a person I admired and looked up to came in and told me the tragic story of there life because they went down the road I was going down, I might have though twice and made a quick uie. But even though my life has changed im still sufering because of what I chose to do in the past, I will never be ok or just like the average teen when days get real tough and I wish I could go back to the drugs and old guys who understood me, I remember the juice is not worth the squise. You can't do anything about your son not talking to you its a teenage thing, he probally has some resentment toreds his dad they yall just cant understand, and even though you don't it doesn't make it any less real. Sending him away might work but I really think you should just let him go, he'll find a way to do what he wants with or with out you and when he gets in trouble let him face his consiquences, remind him that you love him but if he's a big enough boy to do the crime he can do the time, don't push when he's ready to talk or tell you whats going on he'll come to you just let him know the doors always open. You rased him right just hope that what you taught him will find a way to get threw to his tough head.
As for the parents or siblings detach your self from him, you can love him but it will literally kill you if you make yourself sick over this, being conserned is fine but don't get to fare wrapped up in his problems, it will tear you down. I sugest that you get a Alanon book and read it for yourself. I actually think it might help a lot with this situation. Well I hope you've read something you can use, good luck!
always
Alicia Elizabeth ↑ |
| Name: LYDIA | Date: Feb 1st, 2006 2:16 PM |
| IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR REALLY SCARED FOR YOUR SON AND I REALIZE HOW MUCH YOU LOVE AND WANT NOTHING BUT THE BEST FOR HIM. BUT THROWING HIM OUT IS NOT THE ANSWER. YOU WANT TO HELP HIM TO GET BETTER YOU DONT WANT TO HELP HIM SELF DESTRUCT. YOU NEED TO LET YOUR SON KNOW HOW MUCH YOU BOTH LOVE HIM AND NOIT JUST TELL HIM YOU NEED TO SHOW HIM BY TELLING HIM HOW MUCH HES LOVED AND HOW IMPORTANT HE IS TO YOU. TRY TALKING TO HIM . YELLING IS NOT THE ANSWER. HE NEEDS TO FEEL THAT YOUR GOING TO BE THERE FOR HIM NO MATTER WHAT. YOUR LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL. TRY GETTING HIM SOME COUNSULING. THE THREE OF YOU SHOUL TRY GETTING SOME HELP AS SOON AS POSSILBE DO NOT DO U HEAR ME DO NOT GIVE UP ON HIM HE NEEDS YOU RIGHT NOW GINING UP ON HIM WILL ON DESTROY HIM HE NEEDS TO KNOW YOU LOVE HIM VERY MUCH AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR HIM NO MATTER WHAT. GOOD LYCK ↑ |
| Name: lilly | Date: Feb 3rd, 2006 3:01 PM |
| give him what he wants, on the condition that he does something for you. or send him to brat camp. ↑ |
| Name: JONATHAN | Date: Feb 7th, 2006 6:52 PM |
| I HATE HOW I CANT MAKE MY OWN DECIONS ↑ |
| Name: JONATHAN | Date: Feb 7th, 2006 6:54 PM |
| I JUST WISH MY PARENTS WOULD LET ME GO DO WHAT I WANT ↑ |
| Name: emma | Date: Feb 11th, 2006 7:11 PM |
| my daurghter is just the sam she got i really nice home an we have tryed every think she was going no where and doing nothing always getting brought home my the police from drinking all because she got in with the wrong crew. it was heartbreaking she is so pretty and has everything going how her but them it all changed she back on track she got i very nice boyfriend and i am so happy 4 her so things will get better have faith ↑ |
| Name: Agnes | Date: Feb 11th, 2006 9:02 PM |
| I've read through some of the responses, Erica, and I can say this...religion of any kind is not going to help him, that is something that he'll have to seek and choose when he finds himself at the end of his own rope. That is how it usually happens. ↑ |
| Name: Connee | Date: Feb 18th, 2006 3:11 AM |
| I am the mother of a 17 year old boy who is currently in juvenile custody 150 miles away from me. He has had every opportunity in the world but continues to make the worst decisions. Our problems started at age 3 with violent tantrums. We tried meds, behavior mod - you name it. He began to get into trouble with the law at age 13 and then to drugs. He was in rehab last summer and fled - he was on the run for 6 weeks - calling once in a while. He almost died on three occasions. In August he finally turned himself in. He has been a state facility since then - visiting home twice. The best advice I have received was from our family therapist - he stands firm that my son is making his own bad decisions and it is not my role to save him. Instead I should act as a 911 dispatcher - steering him to help but not the one applying pressure to the wound. If we continue to do the "saving" it will only destroy the rest of the family. This is extremely hard and gut wrenching. I struggle with this every day - after all he is the baby I rocked, saw off to school, took on vacation, etc, etc,.. My advice is realize there will be natural conseqences for his behavior and that these are not your bad decisions - these are his bad decisions. This is the kind of stuff that can eat you alive if you let it. Hold on tight to the rest of the family but let the professionals know when you are out of your league. Ask for help until you get it. Just like in the airplane - you have to apply the oxygen mask on first before you can help your children. i wish you the best. ↑ |
| Name: Brenda | Date: Feb 21st, 2006 3:24 AM |
| I so feel your pain. My 17 year old son has dropped out of school and is living with his dad who not only provides a place to party, but supples him with alcohol or any drug. His dad is a meth user and has no goals or direction in life. My son just recently called to ask if he could come home and I'm not sure if me and his step dad are ready to deal with his addictions. We love him dearly and have sought treatment for him in the past. I hope you can get a grip on your son before you have to experience the pain I have gone through the last two years. ↑ |
| Name: mAtT | Date: Mar 26th, 2006 5:15 PM |
| Name: Lisa | Date: Mar 31st, 2006 2:35 PM |
| Why would you want a reply from someone in the same boat?Obviously their lives are a mess too.Im NOT in that boat (Thank GOD!)But IF I were,I think what I would do is enroll my son in a BOOTCAMP.Your son is very disrespectful to you and his father and you have lost total control.At 16 you cant exactly give him an ass whipping because he could maybe overpower you by now.I know bootcamps are expensive but you MUST DO SOMETHING.You said he has been arrested for underage drinking already,did you rush to get him out of jail?Maybe you shouldnt have and while he sat there looking at his probable future,you should have been on the phone making arrangements for his hardcore bootcamp.If you cant pay for bootcamp,I suggest calling the Dr. Phil show or Montel because either one of them will help you.If you and your husband are together you need to sit him down together and MAKE him listen to you and tell him you ARE going to get him help no matter if he wants it or not.He is 16 so you could have him enrolled in a re-hab program which I dont doubt he needs.I bet hes on drugs too.You must stop him from hanging with that no-good crowd hes running with NOW.You need to call a re-hab center at the very least TODAY and get him in there as an IN-PATIENT.Hes already failed this school year so theres nothing really standing in the way of him getting serious help fast.If you cant afford it and have no insurance to cover it,PUBLIC AID will cover it if you qualify for a medical card.GET HIM HELP TODAY,DONT PUT IT OFF ANY LONGER PLEASE!!!!!! ↑ |
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