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| Name: lucie | Date: Nov 13th, 2006 8:36 AM |
| wot a nosy tramp!! has she shut up now?? well i do not think i am ready to stop so i can't imagine how or when i will but time flies by, i keep thinkin tommorrow i will stop, then the nxt day and before you know it it's been weeks and im still doing it! xx ↑ |
| Name: ally murphy | Date: Nov 13th, 2006 9:24 AM |
| She keeps bringing it up and im just being cold but she wont get the message. Thats what its like with me it dosn't feel like i have been doing it for 6 years time just flys. My dc has booked me an appoitment for this wednesday im shitting myself. Oh yeh if you want to email me my address is allyson.murphy@yahoo.co.uk xx ↑ |
| Name: lucie | Date: Nov 13th, 2006 9:46 AM |
| hey ally just to let you know i have emailed your yahoo address xxx ↑ |
| Name: purpal2002002 | Date: Nov 26th, 2006 8:44 PM |
| I am sorry that you are going thourgh that . You are not alone .There are others . I am glad you shared that with us .You got that out and wrote on here and admit to what you do . I hope that you do seek help . You are a strong good person .Yes You .. ↑ |
| Name: disorderautumn | Date: Dec 5th, 2006 8:10 PM |
| i may have missed it but what do you do when you eat during the day? it seems you dont like this style of life so why dont you stop? ↑ |
| Name: lucie | Date: Dec 6th, 2006 4:28 AM |
| Yeah I do eat in the day but very limited. When i wrote this post i had just an apple for lunch, sandwich for lunch and my dinner i would throw up. Now i have cereal with alpro soya milk for breakfast and a salad for my lunch and now i snack on apples throughout the day. in the past week i have made myself sick just once and that was sunday. The only thing that stops me is when i am busy busy busy. like when i finished work last nite i just had tine to go home and get ready to go to the pub, then straight after i went to the cinema with my other mate, i didnt get home till half 12 so even if i wanted to, i just did not have the time. ↑ |
| Name: MadelineRose | Date: Dec 6th, 2006 8:23 AM |
| Lucie, I can relate to you on some levels. I don't binge to this degree, but I try to purge everything I put in my mouth. I am so hypervigilant about eating. I try but don't always succeed to rid myself of everything I have eaten before it is digested and becomes pounds. I hate this. When I think of all the money wasted...it is awful! I don't know why I don't think I deserve to eat like a "normal' person. My doctors don't know about my current behavior. I told one of my doctors a long time ago. But, now that I am 42, I feel so much more ashamed of myself. I'm a grown-up...like that other string says...."I should grow up." My husband is a mental health professional (PhD), I have some training in this area from my college days. Yet, here I am in the midst of this unhealthy self-abusive behavior! My husband knows somewhat my behaviors...I know it worries him. But, he is not fully aware, of the extent of my purging. I really want to get better. I want help! ↑ |
| Name: lucie | Date: Dec 6th, 2006 9:22 AM |
| Madeline, the last thing you need to do is feel ashamed that you have an ED and compare it to your age, as i am sure you are aware, ED's are stereotyped for teenage girls want to be thin. Do not feel ashamed chik, i know what you mean about the money situation. we are literally throwing money away. I have lost track of the amount of new things i have deprived myself of like new c-d's i would rather spend the money on food and this is wrong! xx ↑ |
| Name: shae | Date: Dec 14th, 2006 7:34 AM |
| Hi there Lucie, Firstly, as you have realised by all your responses, you are not fighting this alone - There are many people who are in a similar place, there is nothing to be ashamed about, although i know shame is a massive part of being bulimic. I came across this forum because I am researching into making a website directed at helping those with bulimia - because I found there is alot of bits of info, but nothing solely dedicated to the bulimia. As I have discovered from reading your message and the replies to it - most people with bulimia never go to the extent of telling it in detail to ANYBODY - as is the case with me. I think it is an important part of recovery, knowing that other people know your habits, but are still able to accept you and even more, like who you are beyond bulimia. I am going to tell my story to anybody who cares to read it, it is just nice to be able to write what I have hidden for so many years. It started when I was about 7 and my favourite party trick was bringing up my food to shock my friends (okay yes, I was a wierd kid!) It was abit of fun back then and I didnt think anything of it. As I got abit older I realised that it was abit strange that i could do this bringing up thing with absolutely no difficulty - I stopped showing people as the reaction wore off. I did like food, and as I was into my gymnastics I knew that I had tobe thin, although this wasnt a problem really, because I was like a bean pole - however, I becan to stop having second helpings, and started throwing up my food in my mouth and then eating it again (all the time trying to do this without people noticing) I dont know how long this phase went one for, probably on and off for afew years. As I got older and hit puberty I battled with becoming a 'women' (that term still freaks me out and im 20!) I started dieting and had amazing self control - I was still pretty thin and at some stages my parents and coach (it was now springboard diving) feared that I had anorexia. I knew I didnt - as all anorexics say. I dont remember exactly the stage when I began throwing up for weight loss, it was on and off inbetween my extreme dieting phases. But I never really binged, it was more just if I had eaten something (like a normal helping of dinner) I would drink heaps of water so that later I could try throw it up - it wasnt a big deal then though, it was just 'if i can , I will' type thing. All this time I was a teenage girl growin up in the African country of Zimbabwe - My home which i loved very much. I was quite a popular teenager, I had afew guys who liked me and a good group of friends, my eating disorder phased out when I was around 15 and I cant remember it being an issue - I loved the attention I got from my massive (yea like size B haha) boobs! I do remember being unhappy with parts of my body though, and really focusing on them. I have always been an all or nothing type of person! The terrible political problems in Zimbabwe really hit me badly and I worried SO much and alot of the time, especially at night, or when I was alone, I never slept in my own room due to fear of the dark and other bad things , like when plagued my mind when I had the time to think. When I wasnt alone, I was a really genuinely happy girl. As the country spiralled downwards my family made plans to leave Zimbabwe and immigrate. I was 15 and at a very vulnerable age. I was training to be an Olympic athelete and was well on my way. I loved diving and was going to carry it on in my new life in new Zealand. As traumatic as it was, we had to go, within 3 months of deciding we were on the plane, off to a strange new place. My first diving trainging with an ex-olympic Chinese coach in NZ was extremely traumatic for me - already having eating issues and body image problems, being told that at 5'6 and 54kg's I was far too fat and needed to loose 10kg's didnt do much for the self esteem!!! My crash diet started immidiately and I fell into anorexic ways - I had calorie coupons which i used each day - there were 400 calories which i was able to eat a day, what i ate was up to me, as long as I didnt go over my limit. Training 5 hours a day its no wonder I lost the weight pretty quickly - I reached 46kg's and on my extremely muscley frame, I had no fat, so apparantly looked like I was going to die, even my coach at this point said 'okay no more loose weight now' (but in my mind I still has 2 kilos to go) anyway, thank god I never lost those extra 2 kg's, but gradually with people forcing me to eat, and my own will to do so after being hungry for so long I began eating, and eating, and eating! Bulimia had struck, and would was there to stay for a looong time! I was good on mondays, tuesday , thursdays, fridays and saturdays. Wed and Sunday were my days off, and I shocked myself at how much I could consume, it was measureing in the 10 000's of calories, but it was so easy to throw it up that i almost didnt even notice. This continued for 3 years until i eventually quit my sport at the age of 18 - I quite for many reasons, one was my attempt to get healthy. I always though I could stop the bulimia if need be, and just use self control, however after all these years it had become an addiction, and despite my huge want, I couldnt stop eating. I was in the darkest of places, depressed, homesick, bulimic and so on - My family life was so stressful because I was so sensitive to any comments about my eating, although normally my parents were forcing me to eat because I was so good at concealing my bulimia. shit, it was stressful. It got to the point when I was waking up at 6am so that i could get to the kitchen before anybody woke, id have 5 pieces of toast, cereal, chips, museli bars, anything i could find, id eat until i lookd 8 months pregnant, then id go 'get rid of it' by throwing up - and go back to bed. on waking at 8 o'clock i would repeat that and then get onwith the day - until the urges struck again, normally by about 10. and then 12 and then 1 and then 2 and so on. On a standard day i was throwing up about 30 times. I was going crazy I thought. I knew as you mentioned Lucy - which foods came up easy - for me it was anythign milky and refined, like chips, cereal etc, id drink alot of milk to make it easier to throw up, even though it was pretty easy anyway. At night times after dinner i would go to my secret stash of food and devour whatever I had, then go for a walk and make sure when nobody was watching id throw up over the bridge into the river by our house. It got so bad - this is probably the worst thing I did - I would sit on the train for an hour on the way home from uni and of course be eating, eating eating - id always have a drink which was empty, in a dark bottle or in a plastic bag - id pretend totake sips from it and regurgitate back into the bottle the food that I had just eaten - it became that easy. My god, I am so glad I have come a long wy since then. I remember once I was talking to somebody and for some reason I couldnt control my gag reflex and involuntarliy spewd up abit of my food right in front of them - I was so humiliated and acted like I was feeling sick all along. When I went on boats I pretended to be sea sick so I could throw up my food. How people didnt knwo is completely beyond me. But they genuinely didnt. I forgot to mention that my mom became suspicious of my behaviour when i was about 16 - it was discovered that my older sister suffered from bulimia (not as severely as me, but all the same) the way that everyone found out about this was because one night she was in the shower and she tried to make herself sick through getting her gag reflex with the toothbrush - and she bloodey well swallowed the thing!!! She admitted quickely to mom that she was bulimic and explained to her what had happened and she got rushed to hospital! (you think this would have put me off for life... it shows, if it were JUST self control, it would be easy, but it goes far beyond that). I dont know why both my sister and I were effected, I just hope it misses out my little sister - I keep an eye on her to make sure I dont see any signs. Anyway, at the beginning of this year I decided it was seriously time to get some help - So I eventually worked up the courage to go for councelling at my uni. I was going on holiday with my boyfriend of 3 years and I wanted to be alot better by the time we went (he has no idea of my struggles) anyway, that gave me 2 months, and no, I was hardly better by the time we left, but still, I was working through issues that i now realise drove me to binge. I stradily improved my bulimia ways, and was pleased when i restricted throwing up to the evenings, at least i could have a day! gradually the odd day crept in when I wouldnt throw up at all - id feel fat and grose, but I knew It needed to be done. It was 5 weeks ago when I made an aim of 2 days without throwing up, which i achieved, and now it has been 5 weeks and still I havnt made myself sick, or binged (too the extent that I HAVE to throw up) Iv put on 2 kg's but I accept that it will take time fo rmy metabolism to settle down. the main thing is, my life has been so much more SIMPLE! I am amazed at how much time =, energy and money bulimia took up. I am paranoyed about slipping again, and still sometimes I do little vomits in my mouth, but not often, and I make them go back down - yuk! I just hope that if or when, (because I know healing from bulimia is a looong term thing) I do slip up, I have some support to get me back on my feet. It is hard though, when there is such a shame surrounding the illness - at least in groups like this, after bearing all, there is no shame. I hope that this has been abit helpful for others. It has helped me, I feel ... abit lighter, more free .. less freakish. Please respond if you have anything to say, or ANY questions, a bit part of self help is helping others. Remember this: Be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. Take care everyone. Love. Shae ↑ |
| Name: ally murphy | Date: Dec 14th, 2006 8:08 AM |
| Hey shae Well done you must be really pleased that you have gone so long with out making yourself be sick. I haven't done it for almost 2 weeks im really scared will slip i hope i dont. It is nice to know that people are going through the same thing. If you need support or anything we are all her for you. Luv Ally x ↑ |
| Name: lucie | Date: Dec 15th, 2006 2:33 AM |
| Hi, Shae, thanks for posting your story, it's comforting to know that there are many people going through what I am. It sounds like it was difficult for you, growing up with all those pressures and expectations that others put on you. It was a month ago that i posted my story, feels great doesn't it to get it off your chest?!?!? In a month Shae i have changed completly. Over 2 weeks ago now i decided that i was seriously going to try and stop and in those 2 weeks i have only let myself down a couple of times so i am doing really well. I had the day off work yesterday and didn't binge or make myself sick- that is the first day i have had off Bulimia free for as long as i can remember! Like i say, i am on my way to recovery, and if someone told me 2 weeks ago that in two weeks i would be hardly binging or making myself sick, i wouldn't of believed them. How are you now with your Bulimia / Anorexia if you don't mind me asking?!?!? xxxxx ↑ |
| Name: Sharmaynefaye | Date: Dec 15th, 2006 8:20 PM |
| I have been bulimic for 4 years now with a splash of anorexia in there every so often. Luci, your day sounds a lot like mine. In the morning when I wake up I have an apple and a bananna and a whole bunch of vitamens and minerals because I am so deficiant from my unhealthy life style... (6:00) Lunch roles around and it is my favorite meal because I am usually guilt free or almost. I get a large Turkey salad, turkey is better for you than a hell of a lot of other things but I end up picking it all out anyway.. I use no salad dressing on my salad at all, it comes with ranch, ranch is too fatty.. With my salad comes half an orange which I also thouroghly enjoy because, once again, it is guilt free. The part that isnt is the packaged crackers that also come in it.. I eat them anyway and figure I will make up for it during my later purge.... I get home and cant even contain myself until dinner.. I first go to the frige and scam for things that come up easy, taste good, or things I really am just craving. I take out anything I want and set it on the counter. peanut butter jelly artichoke dip ice cream salami, other lunch meat cheese.... I go to the pantry. chips crackers candy bars chex mix dry cereal I set that next to everything else... I eat the peanut butter and jelly all by itself, the whole jars.. Moveing on eat eventually consume it all.. Because I was so careless with what I chose and the careless way I hardly even chewd the food, just swallowed it, when it comes time to purge it up it is messy... Later I will go out to dinner with my boyfriend.. Order something really good, eat it all. Go into the restroom of the resturaunt and puke it all up.... When I was in highschool and I lived with my parents, I would take showers at night so that I could just puke straight in the shower and wash the shame down the drain.... After these four years I am not as bad as I once was. I have even managed to admit my dissorder to someone, unfortunatly. My boyfriend. This was ultimatly a huge mistake.. now when he comes home for work he asks me, "baby, did you puke today?" and it just kills me. I dont want to hurt him.. I look right into his eyes and say, "no baby, I did good today." I hate hurting him, lieing... I fear that I am ging to have an early death because of my dissorder... We are engaged... Sometimes I cry trinking about myself going into cardiac arrest because this shit and dieing...Not being there for him.Not having childeren..... I just cant stop. I have a serious fear of being fat... I was when I was in middle school and lost the weight to anerexia then eventually moved on to bulimia because it is so much easier, satisfying, fulfilling... Thanx for listening, I cant even say all that to my boyfriend... ↑ |
| Name: lucie | Date: Dec 19th, 2006 2:46 AM |
| Sharmaynefaye, well done for getting that off you chest- i bet you feel better for it don't you?!??!?! it sounds like you experienced so many pressures whilst you were younger. How is your Bulimia now? Lucie xxxxx ↑ |
| Name: Sara L | Date: Dec 31st, 2006 1:28 AM |
| How Old Are You, When did you start? ↑ |
| Name: Sara L | Date: Dec 31st, 2006 2:05 AM |
| I am bulimic also it started when I was 15 now 12 years later, still bulimic, married and my husband does not know about it. I have no one to talk to about it that i trust. ↑ |
| Name: danni | Date: Jan 2nd, 2007 1:14 PM |
| I too have been struggling with bulimia for about ten years. I started out just trying to shed some weight because I had always been about 20 pounds overweight. I have now reached a point where I feel that I will lose all control if I am unable to purge. Going out to dinner has been a real challenge. It is not always accessible to purge so I resort to making excuses not to eat my meal. However, my real concern now is that I am married and about five months pregnant. Even my unyielding wish for a healthy baby has not been enough to make me stop purging. My husband has no idea that this problem even exists in my life. As a matter of fact, no one knows. I have successfully managed to keep this my secret for all these years. Because I never really fell to an alarming low weight, no one ever suspected a thing. But now being five months pregnant, I have only gained a total of 1 pound. I fear that my secret will be revealed through this pregnancy and I will be unable to return to my 'habit' after the baby is born. I don't understand my love for what I do to myself and worry that I will no longer be able to protect it. I am so ashamed! ↑ |
| Name: lucie | Date: Jan 3rd, 2007 9:52 AM |
| Hi dani, my ED was hidden also because i stayed at a 'normal' weight aswell. if any of you wanna talk im here! i am now recovering and doing really really well! xx ↑ |
| Name: danni | Date: Jan 3rd, 2007 10:46 AM |
| Hi Lucie, have you ever sought treatment for your ED? I know that I am not ready to give it up. I can't understand it. I want help, but I don't want to be told that I can't do it any longer. Does that make sense? How long have you been purging? Its comforting to talk about this.... thanks. ↑ |
| Name: lucie | Date: Jan 4th, 2007 4:49 AM |
| Hi Danni, my ED started when i was 13 then dissapeared for a couple of years. The last couple of years i have been going through the daily struggle of making myself sick. I have not been brave enough or had the strength to talk about it to my doctor. This will sound really weird now but at the mo i haven't really purged for a couple of weeks and now cus i am in control of stopping, i would now have the courage to go to the docs, but not while i was still purging because then my control would of been taken away. how long have you been Bulimic? lucie ↑ |
| Name: danni | Date: Jan 4th, 2007 11:37 AM |
| Hi Lucie, I think that's great that you just stopped on your own. Was there something momentous that occured to give you that extra strength to do it? This may sound corny, but I am so proud of you! I started purging when I was about 22 years old. I don't know how it started... I really don't remember the very first time. I just remember my age at that time. I am 38 years old now. I have had some problems with fillings in my teeth as a result of the bulimia. I am sure my dentist suspects but has never asked me or mentioned anything. Its my husband that I am worried about. Since I became pregnant, I have not put on any weight. I am 5 months now and he went out and bought a scale for the bathroom. He has asked me a few times already to get on and I have refused. I just laughed it off saying that he was being ridiculous and the baby is just fine. I NEVER want him to know about my bulimia. I am worried! What are your thoughts? Danni ↑ |
| Name: lucie | Date: Jan 5th, 2007 8:58 AM |
| hi danni, thanx 4 replying! the only reason i honestly saw sense to stop was because my mom confronted me! that kinda pulled me back into reality and slowly but surely i am breaking the ED up bit by bit. I would not have had the strength to just stop. Like i say it was only cus my mom found out. My mom has kept her distance, she hasn't interferred but i would never have stopped if she hadn't caught me! You are in a hard situation, which i feel for you and will always be here to help or chat! So 5 months pregnant, is it your first child? and are you still purging or has it eased off? If you are not ready to stop then you can't be forced to because the outcome will be much worse if you get my drift?!! Just bear in mind that the baby needs nutrition. xxx ↑ |
| Name: danni | Date: Jan 5th, 2007 10:38 AM |
| Hi Lucie! Thanks for being here. Its great to have someone to talk to about this. Yes, this is my first child and I am very excited. The purging has been more difficult acheive I think because my body wants to keep the food in for nutrition for the baby. So, instead I have been eating less to compensate for being unsuccessful in my purging attempts. I know how this sounds believe me. I should be putting the baby first. I really am trying! I love this baby and would just die if it weren't healthy. Your words of encouragement really help! Are you married or have any children? How long did your mother know about your bulimia? Looking forward to hearing from you :-) Danni ↑ |
| Name: deja vu18 | Date: Jan 5th, 2007 12:50 PM |
| I only wish I could do that. I do something similar, but not quite the same. I make myself about 4 cups of green tea and then I go out and buy myself all the junk food I can eat, while my tea is cooling. when I get home I eat all the junk food combined with the tea i made, which then makes me sick and most of the time I can get the food out one way or the other, but sometimes it takes a while. I just keep drinking tea and then in about a half an hour I get most of the food out. Most of the time though I have to wait until morning to get my stomach absolutely empty. I must be doing something wrong. ↑ |
| Name: lucie | Date: Jan 9th, 2007 5:18 AM |
| Hi didn't realise green tea gives that effect! ↑ |
| Name: mercury | Date: Jan 10th, 2007 6:22 AM |
| it's not disgusting, it's human. it's a compulsion. i do the same thing. it's a hard thing to live with. hope you're ok. ↑ |
| Name: lucie | Date: Feb 8th, 2007 10:28 AM |
| this is my life again i am totally back to my old ways. lucie ↑ |
| Name: erenaa | Date: Feb 19th, 2007 5:20 AM |
| i think that its really good youve posted this on here. ive tried throwing up before but i cant. i really dont like the way i look.. ↑ |
| Name: lucie | Date: Feb 19th, 2007 8:49 AM |
| HI Erenaa. sounds like you are going through this awful stage of an ED yes? why don't you like the way you look? x ↑ |
| Name: Lyns | Date: Feb 19th, 2007 2:29 PM |
| luice you be good and take care you have been a star i cant take nomore xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ↑ |
| Name: erenaa | Date: Feb 20th, 2007 1:20 AM |
| hi lucie. :] i want to be skinny. im not fat but i realy want to be skinny.. erena x ↑ |
| Name: lucie | Date: Feb 20th, 2007 5:20 AM |
| lyns stick around on here. whats happend? hope you are ok. i am here if you nees me. lucie xx ↑ |
